More 15 minutes gone and we were sitting on that same old bench below that same old banyan tree facing that same old lake..
She towards the right side of the bench, and me towards the left...Why?..well because towards the left there was a garbage bin at the side of the bench and ms perfect as she was. She wanted everything regarding her to be perfect
“gaurav”...she sighed, her voice sounded bit serious
“hmm”...i couldn’t say more, my brain had faced blackout
Witty gaurav couldn’t site a single sentence or even a word to say on his brains “blackboard”
It was all so black, it was in darkness and i dint have any matchstick/lighter to lit up, i was a non- smoker and so was my brain...we couldn’t find any way out of this darkness with a matchstick and couldn’t make it more worse with some smoke...in one word my brain was getting demented and needless to say, so was i
After a brief pause she finally spoke
“this is not how things were planned by us, we never expected to reach such a stage , i mean ya...the fights and all are common in any relationships but this everything is getting too much, and more importantly ya.. “its affecting our careers””
She continued
“what about our promises to set our careers on our own...do you think we even stand a little chance of getting placed??
What about our promises to never get involved into family import-export business”??
Gaurav, seriously where do you see yourself in next 3 years??”
She went on...”i have asked the same question to myself and i see myself screwed with poor academics and baffled love life both at the same time ,
We have been together right from the college life, though we have been distantly separated and far apart, we have always made it a point to be in touch over phone, yahoo and apparently have gone through extravengas to meet whenever possible, but since my mom-dad have found out about us, i have found myself restricted and questioned throughout, i have found lying very difficult...”
I was listening to all this with my ears and brain back into senses...i had turned off my heart for the very fact that i knew if it starts overpowering my brain than it could be all different story all together., and i dint want to lose any chance to make her feel better
I can say foolishly yet unerringly that my ears were wide open and her every words and sentences going through my ears like arrows and piercing my heart, which of course was lifeless
And it was unbelievable that still it was hurting, but it was ok since most part of that hurt was due to self realisation and not self obsession....that was the good thing
“sadhana...i think we shuould take a break from all this, not a break up, but a break till we set our careers”...i said it so spontaneously that i myself dint realise at that very moment
But soon i felt it right, i had to say this, or rather i wanted to but still a little part of my single cell heart said “ i hate to say this”
I couldn’t c her misery, at one point even mine...
“i guess we should” she replied with a trembling voice
I tried to kiss away her tears unknowingly and alas!...she was actually crying..
Though it was no surprise for me, because whenever she was crying in pune , i used to get disturbed in goa...dont consider it hypothetic its true story!
Such was our connection...
We decided to meet next day for proper discussion...
I came home n dozed off, got up when my mom called for dinner, checked my cell
“hey hws ur fever now???” text from sunita (another ms sarcasm queen i guess)
I replied her in rather satirical way , god knows if she hated me for that, but i never gave up texting her that way
I told her sadhana was in goa, and i had to meet her for some “serious discussion”
Again the future story was untold to her as with rowen and Vicky
But again i myself feel very awkward to share problems by removing topics all by myself because its a reality that everyone has his own share of problem, and theirs must have been more worse than mine, and i cannot deny the very possibility that they feel the same...owing to this we friends never discussed anything about our problems in details...
But eventually i ended up voluntarily( ya rather for my own self-satisfaction) disclosing ‘almost’ all the facts about me...that was later..
but As of now day 1 had ended on a confusing note, every stone carrying my future remained unperturbed , with me still baffled about everything...and of course without any clue as to what my destiny holds in stake for me the following day...
I decided to let go with thoughts , since today there had been so many and since my heart was turned off for the most part ,my brain had to take the full load of those cracked thoughts....i decided to give my brain some rest...
Thursday, September 2, 2010
3 days of perplexity (day 1 - part 1)
“hey m nt coming 2 colg today...gtg sumwer...vl tell u later”.. i texted rowen and Vicky
Ofcuz they would be in a state of dilemma as usual, as to where i go and what work i get which i tell them “i will explain everything in details” and never bother to explain them
but i was helpless...whether its bout sadhana or the call tracing and spokentwitter project, nothing was going fine...but i wasn’t loosing “interest” in either..
and te former matter was getting too complicated because of the entry of that mysterious beauty and deteriorating family relations
i reached half an hour late..she was waiting at our same old lakeside restaurant, same table (the one facing towards the lake obviously) same chair(because from there she could get a better view of that spot where ducks were often seen)
and i, well i had to sit in the opposite direction (ofcourse i wudnt mind...because who wants to see the “beauty” of lake when beautiful girl is in the opposite direction, and clearly her beauty was exemplary compared to that smudged lake and hideous ducklings)
i looked at her...calm and composed, looking at the clam water in that lake...but infact it was opposite...even the sea water is more calm as compared to her nature...or did she changed...i was meeting her after almost two months...and these days people change so fast that this possibility
cannot be discarded..
she saw me and sent a flying kiss towards me...hell no! She would never change..even the whole world changes she would remain the same...the same careless- free bird..
“haircut ha, yuk...i dnt like it...trimmed it so short ya..” she screamed at me..
“mom told me to cut it very short ya...and long hairs were looking messy it seems”..i replied
“i don’t understand what problem moms have about their sons sporting long hairs” she
“the same kind of problem what dads have about their daughters wearing mini skirt” i said
“c’mon ma dad is very cool, very free and supportive na”...innocent statement
“yaa i know ....”very good” ... sarcastic statement , dragged last two words to give extra sarcasm...god y i did that..she would surely get it..after all she is ms. Sarcasm queen..
And as expected she got my sarcasm rite
“y u always talk about my dad that way, that dubai tender spat is shyam uncles fault, not ma dads...and im adamant about it” she said angrily...
“c’mon i hav every rite to hate my gf’s dad...its normal”..I tried to neutralise though i knew storm had already began...
“no its abnormal, and i don’t want it to be this way, m not like u ..i care about my mom-dad a lot“..she replied
“hey hey...wait a sec...what u mean by m not like u”...by that tym i had lost it
This discussion (along with some other arguable topics) went on for around half an hour, meantime we (or rather i would say she) ordered and ate also about which i seriously cant remember a thing..
And as you all might have noticed the normal “hi baby”, “hey sweetheart” and other such “couply” words were long lost, and were replaced by abnormal “hey” and “hi”...
Its like those lovely words had already broken up and moved on with their life and now they were replaced by single words like “liar” “careless”
That was the sign how it was all deteriorating along with time....
Ofcuz they would be in a state of dilemma as usual, as to where i go and what work i get which i tell them “i will explain everything in details” and never bother to explain them
but i was helpless...whether its bout sadhana or the call tracing and spokentwitter project, nothing was going fine...but i wasn’t loosing “interest” in either..
and te former matter was getting too complicated because of the entry of that mysterious beauty and deteriorating family relations
i reached half an hour late..she was waiting at our same old lakeside restaurant, same table (the one facing towards the lake obviously) same chair(because from there she could get a better view of that spot where ducks were often seen)
and i, well i had to sit in the opposite direction (ofcourse i wudnt mind...because who wants to see the “beauty” of lake when beautiful girl is in the opposite direction, and clearly her beauty was exemplary compared to that smudged lake and hideous ducklings)
i looked at her...calm and composed, looking at the clam water in that lake...but infact it was opposite...even the sea water is more calm as compared to her nature...or did she changed...i was meeting her after almost two months...and these days people change so fast that this possibility
cannot be discarded..
she saw me and sent a flying kiss towards me...hell no! She would never change..even the whole world changes she would remain the same...the same careless- free bird..
“haircut ha, yuk...i dnt like it...trimmed it so short ya..” she screamed at me..
“mom told me to cut it very short ya...and long hairs were looking messy it seems”..i replied
“i don’t understand what problem moms have about their sons sporting long hairs” she
“the same kind of problem what dads have about their daughters wearing mini skirt” i said
“c’mon ma dad is very cool, very free and supportive na”...innocent statement
“yaa i know ....”very good” ... sarcastic statement , dragged last two words to give extra sarcasm...god y i did that..she would surely get it..after all she is ms. Sarcasm queen..
And as expected she got my sarcasm rite
“y u always talk about my dad that way, that dubai tender spat is shyam uncles fault, not ma dads...and im adamant about it” she said angrily...
“c’mon i hav every rite to hate my gf’s dad...its normal”..I tried to neutralise though i knew storm had already began...
“no its abnormal, and i don’t want it to be this way, m not like u ..i care about my mom-dad a lot“..she replied
“hey hey...wait a sec...what u mean by m not like u”...by that tym i had lost it
This discussion (along with some other arguable topics) went on for around half an hour, meantime we (or rather i would say she) ordered and ate also about which i seriously cant remember a thing..
And as you all might have noticed the normal “hi baby”, “hey sweetheart” and other such “couply” words were long lost, and were replaced by abnormal “hey” and “hi”...
Its like those lovely words had already broken up and moved on with their life and now they were replaced by single words like “liar” “careless”
That was the sign how it was all deteriorating along with time....
Friday, July 30, 2010
Stuck on u
i checked ma watch again...3.30 pm...m waiting for past one and half hour...and still no sign of her...i had tried calling her n also texted her but her cell was unreachable...damn...i was so sick of her "excuses" ...and now i vl have to listen to some more of them...i decided in ma mind...that this is too much now...i have every right to get angry on her...i have every right to shout at her...enuf is enuf..i vl do it today...i was building up ma so called “courage” but i was disturbed..
“sir we are closing d kitchen now” waiter said
“ohh...just wait for 5 more minz...i vl order “.. i replied in somewhat mortifying tone..
He just gave me another of those disgruntled look..probably he was expecting something different from me...
I remember how he had wishd me and guided me towards the table i had reserved with that happydent smile...now it was as if every1 was looking towards me as if i had commited a big crime...
(n another big agony that i cant order even...cuz madam always has her own choices and that too her choices differ everytym...and to be frank everytym she is d 1 who orders...so i wudnt dare to break that so called “tradition”..)
C’mon...wat can i do if ma gal promises me to arrive half n hour before our fixed tym...n yet havnt arrived 1 and half___________ *ma thots were broken midway thru as i saw some1 entering thru d restaurant door*
There she is...i said in ma mind (anger still in ma eyes)...ohh hold on...was she wearing that yellow chudidaar..yes she was wearing that same yellow churidaar which i had gifted her on her bday...n those necklace and earings...and ofcuz those matching bangles,..m sure she must have returned from some party/function...she caught ma glance and i responded by waving ma hand... she responded with a flying kiss
God..i have to admit 25% stake in that so called anger on her instantly vanished as a result of her “bold and beautiful” look/entry
She came and sat, i was still in the mist of that remaing 75% anger on her...
“so...hw u sweety..?? she asked in her sweet voice..she was unperturbed as if everything was going perfect
“where the hell were u???.. U are 1 hour 40 minz late” i bursted ...simultaneously pointing towards my watch (as to add some extra effect to ma statement)
She kept quiet for a while and then replied with that sweet convincing tone of her
“listen i was busy baby...u know today our CR elections were held and jyotika won...so she threw a party..and u know na ma presence was “inevitable”..”
“inevitable ha...nice...and wat bout ur presence with me...and wt bout ur phone..???”
“ok ok ...i said sorry na...and my phone is weird”
“wt???...ur phone is weird..???....c’mon thats d kinda answer u give...no this isn’t fair...i want proper xplaination..” ...yes i was going rite...i was bout to succeed in ma mission but then something weird hapend..
She said ok she vl xplain but slowly in ma ears....i tilted ma head and went closer...and she did the most unexpected thing....she came closer turned ma head back straight...and planted a kiss on ma lips....i cant literally write how it felt and stuff...cuz that tym ma brain died cuz of heart attack
But my heart described it later...and these are those words straight from my heart
“I am convinced that right now if you zoomed into my eyes,
behind the darkness of my lids you would see fireworks that matched
the popping in my ears and vivid flowing of my blood.
Right now I am pretty sure I have no lungs
The most perfect kiss of my life.
I never want it to end, but you know I need my lungs back”
We were both quite even though 5 minutes had passed since then...she must have felt little awkward later cuz this was very straightforward from her part...i thought of talking something productive
“so ma’am kitchen is closed now, aren’t u hungry”....i said looking straight into her enticing eyesight...god damn it...wt m i saying...n y d hell u giving me that look ...i took ma eyesight back on menu again
“come..” she said holding ma hand...
“i have seen bhelpuri stall outside...lets eat there..”
She was eating every pani puri with such a pleasure...
I had finished my bhelpuri and was thinking...ofcuz bout that “incident” 15 minutes ago
She was saying something and i was lost in my own thoughts...thoughts about how lucky i was to have some1 like her in my life...
“gautam listen...u know what unlike goans. I don’t like eating in those ravish big restaurants,showing off fashion, night life, partying all the tym,living a hi-fi life...m a simple mumbaikar...and i like life to be simple...and ofcuz i love simple people ....may be thats the reason why i love you..”
She said and winked at me
“hmm...that xplains my reason to be quite at the restaurant”...i said
And we both laughed (my 75% anger had dissapeard long back)
She was stuck by that simple truth...that most of the ordinary things can be made extra ordinary..if u have rite people with u...
And i...well i was stuck by d same bt in “vice versa” manner...
“sir we are closing d kitchen now” waiter said
“ohh...just wait for 5 more minz...i vl order “.. i replied in somewhat mortifying tone..
He just gave me another of those disgruntled look..probably he was expecting something different from me...
I remember how he had wishd me and guided me towards the table i had reserved with that happydent smile...now it was as if every1 was looking towards me as if i had commited a big crime...
(n another big agony that i cant order even...cuz madam always has her own choices and that too her choices differ everytym...and to be frank everytym she is d 1 who orders...so i wudnt dare to break that so called “tradition”..)
C’mon...wat can i do if ma gal promises me to arrive half n hour before our fixed tym...n yet havnt arrived 1 and half___________ *ma thots were broken midway thru as i saw some1 entering thru d restaurant door*
There she is...i said in ma mind (anger still in ma eyes)...ohh hold on...was she wearing that yellow chudidaar..yes she was wearing that same yellow churidaar which i had gifted her on her bday...n those necklace and earings...and ofcuz those matching bangles,..m sure she must have returned from some party/function...she caught ma glance and i responded by waving ma hand... she responded with a flying kiss
God..i have to admit 25% stake in that so called anger on her instantly vanished as a result of her “bold and beautiful” look/entry
She came and sat, i was still in the mist of that remaing 75% anger on her...
“so...hw u sweety..?? she asked in her sweet voice..she was unperturbed as if everything was going perfect
“where the hell were u???.. U are 1 hour 40 minz late” i bursted ...simultaneously pointing towards my watch (as to add some extra effect to ma statement)
She kept quiet for a while and then replied with that sweet convincing tone of her
“listen i was busy baby...u know today our CR elections were held and jyotika won...so she threw a party..and u know na ma presence was “inevitable”..”
“inevitable ha...nice...and wat bout ur presence with me...and wt bout ur phone..???”
“ok ok ...i said sorry na...and my phone is weird”
“wt???...ur phone is weird..???....c’mon thats d kinda answer u give...no this isn’t fair...i want proper xplaination..” ...yes i was going rite...i was bout to succeed in ma mission but then something weird hapend..
She said ok she vl xplain but slowly in ma ears....i tilted ma head and went closer...and she did the most unexpected thing....she came closer turned ma head back straight...and planted a kiss on ma lips....i cant literally write how it felt and stuff...cuz that tym ma brain died cuz of heart attack
But my heart described it later...and these are those words straight from my heart
“I am convinced that right now if you zoomed into my eyes,
behind the darkness of my lids you would see fireworks that matched
the popping in my ears and vivid flowing of my blood.
Right now I am pretty sure I have no lungs
The most perfect kiss of my life.
I never want it to end, but you know I need my lungs back”
We were both quite even though 5 minutes had passed since then...she must have felt little awkward later cuz this was very straightforward from her part...i thought of talking something productive
“so ma’am kitchen is closed now, aren’t u hungry”....i said looking straight into her enticing eyesight...god damn it...wt m i saying...n y d hell u giving me that look ...i took ma eyesight back on menu again
“come..” she said holding ma hand...
“i have seen bhelpuri stall outside...lets eat there..”
She was eating every pani puri with such a pleasure...
I had finished my bhelpuri and was thinking...ofcuz bout that “incident” 15 minutes ago
She was saying something and i was lost in my own thoughts...thoughts about how lucky i was to have some1 like her in my life...
“gautam listen...u know what unlike goans. I don’t like eating in those ravish big restaurants,showing off fashion, night life, partying all the tym,living a hi-fi life...m a simple mumbaikar...and i like life to be simple...and ofcuz i love simple people ....may be thats the reason why i love you..”
She said and winked at me
“hmm...that xplains my reason to be quite at the restaurant”...i said
And we both laughed (my 75% anger had dissapeard long back)
She was stuck by that simple truth...that most of the ordinary things can be made extra ordinary..if u have rite people with u...
And i...well i was stuck by d same bt in “vice versa” manner...
Saturday, July 24, 2010
power to captivate
I got up frm ma semi trans state n checked ma cell...damn...another forward from ankit...i so hate him...
Its been 3 days...n i was cursing myself for being so rude on her...when u really miss ur special sum1 u always end up cursing urself for the thngs which u dint do...thts d power of love....n realisation...
But ya wateva it was...i had sent her around 50 msgs on “sorry” theme in ths 2 days...n had tried to call her so many times...but...no response...i was so frustrated at myself...every bit of that so cald “anger” on her was gone...n i so wanted her to reply me....or meet me ths coming Saturday....i dnt know y but ths was d height...i hadn’t missed her so much before...though there had been few fights..but this was longer one....n ya...it was my mistake ( i dint understand what made me reciprocate ths statement in front of her tht day)..
I skipped ma lunch...had no interest in going out wid friends for ne movie....i just wanted her to call me, msg me, or atlist gimme a miscal ...
I slept again...
But soon i got up...tht part where i skipd luch was taking a toll on me...just had some snacks ...n checkd ma cell again...2 more forwad msgs frm ankit,
I threw ma cell on bed...n switchd on tv...just to divert ma attention....
N after few minutes ma cell again again vibrated...ths tym i went n that was it...tht moment iv l never frgt ever...it was her msg n it was so romantically written...
“baby....ofcuz i missd u...
Ok nt in ‘im sorry’ way..
Nt even in “i forgive u” way..
I just misd u in “i missed u” way...:|..”
She was so adorable...so sweet...this is how she is...naughty but cute n lovely...no more words to describe her...i had always wanted such person in ma life n i had found her and why even m trying to trammel wid that reality????
ma heart almost melted after reading that msg...i soon called her n we spoke for around 5 hourz before her battery died..
So like this no matter how many fights we had in our tainted relationship...ths fights ended on a sweet note..ofcuz it was me who always used to say sorry even if she was on d wrong side most of the tym...but wateva it was i was 5n with it....cuz she had that control...that power over me...tht magnetising power which i used to call...she could turn my moods as and when she wanted...magician of ma heart
But soon it was all about to change...those magnetic powers were bout to get destroyed by sum external electric field...her presence in ma life was just too strong...d presence of that charming beauty
Sunday, July 11, 2010
another
M not stoned…LOST is d right word…m just lost in ur amazing beauty…internal external both…
M totally lost in it…damn ur so beautiful…
Ohh m i?? ..just elaborate ma beauty…(again mischievious….challenging me ha…I like ths challenges of urz..)
Hmmm…ok…ur beautiful to such an extent tht if I play hide n seek in it…u vl neva be able to find me…its so vast tht it vl take me 100 years to travel through ur beauty….ur beauty can accumulate indias no chinas whole population…
Aargh…u n ur idiotic idioms…stop it….
Ya..just kidding baby…c thr r certain good thngs wich u just cant elaborate d reason as to why they r so good…they just happen to be perffect…n ur beauty is such an amazing thng …wich I just cant put in words…
I can only feel it ….(I tried to kiss her but she resisted…
“oye…unlce and aunty are down…wt if some1 suddenly comes upstairs…
“ohh c’mon…we r in balcony n door is closed” …
“still…u knw wt…m bit scared ya…aunty / uncle luks at me wid tht kinda suspicious face ,…I gt scared”
“haha…don’t be…atlist wid ma parents…just don’t be…I fool em every minute..”
Suddenly she got serious…
“gautam…this nature of urz I dnt like…serisly…its sumtimes difficult to trust u…”
“baby…ur saying tht…c’mon u knw I trust u to so much extent tht I tell u each n evry small small thngs…i dnt knw y u do ths to me all d tym…u always take me wrong…”
“k…well I knw I overreacted but serisly…u gota be frank wid uncle n aunty too…”
“Okay 5n….tht means u want me to tell em bout us rite now…”
“this isnt the point…dunno wen u vl undestand me”
“what ….undestand u…all wt I did in ths 3 years is just try to undestand u …n still….
And then erupted the longest fight…yup..yet another longest fight…as usual…our meet after 3 months ended on a bad note…which again wasn’t a tottaly new thng in our cracked relationship of over 2 and half year....
Friday, July 9, 2010
an extract
“yes I am…I am selfish….i want my life to be perfect…I want everythng in ma life to be perfect…I have always been like this…a selfish brat…bt 1 thng u don’t undestand…UR ma LIFE…”
Yes I mean it…ur ma life…my everythng..baby …u just don’t get it…y I do all this..??
Y I get into this family matter…its not as if im interested in all this…I do this only for u…yes I accept it all affects ma studies…but my life is more important for me…n baby ur ma life”
“if we don’t get it all right then we might loose on many things…how the hell u gotta get chance to visit goa often…how will I ever get chance to meet ya in pune”
“Baby we got to solve this family matters…our families been together for many years now…together they hav been involved in so many circumstance including problems and joyous moments as well..
But now this situation is worsening…its not only because of that dubai tender and spate between shyam uncle and ur dad..the situation is worsening day by day and its not gud for our future..”
“Future??? “
After a brief pause with a bit of shock …I enquired..”baby dnt u c future in our relationship??”
“ yes totally…I mean ya we have,…but as of now thts not a problem…trust me…plzz…u look into ur studies n stuff first….this is all never gona work out…just don’t knw wt to say….
“but listen…we gotta try to do something atlist”
“ not at ur career risk”
“but..”
“ c u cant design life like a building…u have to live it…n it vl design itself”
I heard enuf
i shouted angrily “now dnt copy tht dialogue of ur architectural frnd jyotika”
“this isnt a joke…we gotta live thru this…n v gota find a way out of this…we just cant go on taking life as it comes….atlist I cant…m nt a coward”
“wt??? …u mean m a coward….u….”
I shut d door behind n left…tht was ma everydays strategy to tackle any argument wid her…
Cowardly rite…indeed I was this totally confused guy all together…
But it was all bound to change with tym…n I was made to change my opinion bout d life theory…
Not entirely…but ya certainly to such extent as to make me n ma life feel good…
She changed everythng within no tym…tht innocuous beauty…:)
Yes I mean it…ur ma life…my everythng..baby …u just don’t get it…y I do all this..??
Y I get into this family matter…its not as if im interested in all this…I do this only for u…yes I accept it all affects ma studies…but my life is more important for me…n baby ur ma life”
“if we don’t get it all right then we might loose on many things…how the hell u gotta get chance to visit goa often…how will I ever get chance to meet ya in pune”
“Baby we got to solve this family matters…our families been together for many years now…together they hav been involved in so many circumstance including problems and joyous moments as well..
But now this situation is worsening…its not only because of that dubai tender and spate between shyam uncle and ur dad..the situation is worsening day by day and its not gud for our future..”
“Future??? “
After a brief pause with a bit of shock …I enquired..”baby dnt u c future in our relationship??”
“ yes totally…I mean ya we have,…but as of now thts not a problem…trust me…plzz…u look into ur studies n stuff first….this is all never gona work out…just don’t knw wt to say….
“but listen…we gotta try to do something atlist”
“ not at ur career risk”
“but..”
“ c u cant design life like a building…u have to live it…n it vl design itself”
I heard enuf
i shouted angrily “now dnt copy tht dialogue of ur architectural frnd jyotika”
“this isnt a joke…we gotta live thru this…n v gota find a way out of this…we just cant go on taking life as it comes….atlist I cant…m nt a coward”
“wt??? …u mean m a coward….u….”
I shut d door behind n left…tht was ma everydays strategy to tackle any argument wid her…
Cowardly rite…indeed I was this totally confused guy all together…
But it was all bound to change with tym…n I was made to change my opinion bout d life theory…
Not entirely…but ya certainly to such extent as to make me n ma life feel good…
She changed everythng within no tym…tht innocuous beauty…:)
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