Hello, I am Gaurav. Gaurav Sawant. Now, I was not trying to imitate James Bond when I said that. No, I am not a big fan of his, I am not a big fan of Romeo- Juliet movies either. I am just me. I am the in-between. Sometimes I feel like my life is a glass filled with half water, and I find myself wondering whether I am half-full or half empty. Yes, I am a Virgo, the kind of Virgo whose greatest fight ever has been with his own self.
Last time I wrote something about my Job and my ambitions, I got quite a stick. Today I’m here again, writing about my love life in Pune, yes love life, that too just because someone forced me, “forced” is the right word.
To be honest, I don’t even know from where to start, or how to start or what to start for that matter.
But Pune will always be the city which gave me my 1st puppy love, way back when I was in 11th standard, my first girlfriend, and now my best friend. A dentist (whom I never visit for obvious reasons)
So, let me count how many (1, 2, 3, 4 and half…) okay, this might be quite a revelation, but the list is endless.
When I came here, I was forgetting someone, someone whom I loved whole heartedly, of course, before her I had few relationships as well, but ‘her’ was friendship turned into love, and that slow bonding was too strong. Zoya. I felt she was the love of my life, but as it is always the case with me, what I feel, doesn’t happen. Religion, fights, Ego, everything came crumbling upon and it was a bitter end.
However as they say something good comes out of everything. – I ended up writing an epistolary novel titled “Forgetting Zoya Beig!” loosely based on how I overcame our “break-up”. I approached publishers in mid may. They liked the concept, they liked the sample chapters, they liked the whole manuscript, this went on for more than 6 months, we were even discussing marketing strategies, then one day they suddenly change their plan. They asked me to change the ending. I felt devastated. I couldn’t do what they had asked me to, I would never do it, I denied. It was my story, why would I change the end? I had never felt so low in my life before. It was a dubious end to what seemed like a pleasant dream. Since then, I have approached few more publishers and this book still languishes in theirs as well as my document folders. The reason- they want the same old cliched novels, same old “ghisi-piti” love stories, for mine was an epistolary novel, something which hasn’t been tried in Indian market, I am hoping to find a publisher brave enough to try something different. Having said that, I am currently writing my second book and it is well – ghisi piti love story in itself, it’s a story of 2 friends and their parallel lives for the 10 years- more on that later.
Back to the topic, where was I ? oh yes, Love, my love. Well, I never used to believe in “love at first sight” until I met her. - Ms. Anjali , (okay I am changing the names here, so as to protect theirs (as well as my identity), cause as I said earlier, its fiction isn’t it? and I can’t think of any filmy name other than “Anjali”)
Before Anjali came into my life, there were Ms. S, Ms. K, Ms. A. let’s call them Sarika,kanika and ummm avantika. Ooh, and how can I forget that blue eyed pharmacy girl.
Now you guys are thinking I am a jerk, yes I was a little disturbed back then, but it wasn’t entirely my fault you see. I never really cheated on anyone, there was a separate phase for each. And all I did was stay honest about my feelings.
So, when I came to Pune in September last year, I had a kind of long distance fling going on with an IHM girl, Sarika. She loved me and I returned her ardor but not the love. But we were smitten and dying/ vying to meet each other. So when we finally met the sparks were about to fly. It did fly, but in a bad way. It was at some party, we got a room, we made out and just when things were about to get further nasty, it hit me, I didn’t love her, it was a late realization for both of us, and we both wondered what the hell were we doing, trying to get over someone by getting “over” another. we were glad we didn’t cross any limits, things were awkward after that between both of us. She kind of hated me for few months after that, but as days and months have passed by, I have tried to be a better friend for her, help her with whatever techie stuff I could, been there for her as a friend and the past have been forgotten.
Kanika, well, soon after sarika and I split up, it was kanika who entered my life. Well, in this relationship also, there was lot of passion and physicality. I didn’t know whether I loved her, but love happens slowly, and I felt eventually it will happen, so I gave it a try. The days/nights spent interacting with her in cold Pune weather were amongst the highlights of my jaded life back then. Especially the back massage, I guess she will never forget and so will I, she had a sexy voice, I thought maybe eventually I was falling for her slowly and carefully, it was just that the timing was wrong, I had started trying for the job and had also started to get in touch with publishers for my epistolary novel which I had finished till then. It came to haunt me as she ran out of time and eventually found someone else when I had gone for Goa in 2 weeks. Two weeks can change anything. She blocked me, hated me and probably never going to talk to me again. I was little heart-broken, not very, just a little. But I tried hard to convince her, she had moved on, away from me and away from this city. Sometimes I do wonder what it would have been had I reached Pune earlier from that two months Goa break. Sometimes I do wonder how things could have been if I had said the “love” word when she wanted me to say. All I did was to be honest with her and that screwed up things. I will be her friend once again, and I will make things right again, someday I will clear the misunderstandings , I will. But as of now , I am happy she found her true love, the guy seems to be decent one, polite, hardworking. I am happy for her, I really am.
Avantika, it was kind of complicated for her was the one who came closest to hear “I love you” from me. She was the sweetest of the lot, sweetest and the simplest and I still don’t get the reason why she went away from me or started ignoring me. She was the only one who never blamed me for anything rather always kept telling me that it was because she won’t be able to commit that she is going away. It was a sweet end. Her family was too strict related to caste matters, and she didn’t want to get into any relationship with a boy from another caste, typical Indian love story. And I was scared of marriage too, I had just started working, and I am not thinking about marriage for as long as it can get.
So that was it, when I look back at my love life after coming to this city, I often find myself wondering, what the hell was I doing, how the hell It is so full yet so empty. Again, like a glass filled with water. And I often find myself asking my heart, do you regret it? and it whispers “probably not” , they deserve better, and they will get better, in my case I wasn’t really sure about anything, was in a dilemma, and when you are in dilemma , you have to be honest, never lie, and so I did.
It continued whispering … “however, I do regret – the one that got away, the one with whom you should have tried a little more, how can you give up on it” and then my mind whispers “give up? He doesn’t give up, he just procrastinates, he never quits” I smile as I think of her. Anjali.
DAY 2:
Ok last night I had to stop writing, it was 2 am and something else came up, something more important.
These days I don’t know what is happening, I find myself forcing me to write, that’s really not a good sign. However with force comes power and momentum, I do need some momentum, hence as I wake up at 11 am, I find myself carrying my laptop to the local café shop. My one flatmate has gone out roaming with his office colleagues, and another is studying for MBA, a perfect opportunity to embrace the solitude.
I sit here in the café shop closes to our building, surrounded by small trees so as to protect sunlight entering inside this open cafeteria. A small radiant light manages to escape through the leaves and falls on my laptop. I smile, the ray of hope as I call it, I try catching it, it withers away, just like Anjali.
It was 5th of May 2014. Around 7 months ago, when I first saw that pretty face, sitting right across me down the hallway, waiting for the mock session to begin, beautiful, confident and calm face amongst the vastly nervous, worries, chit chatter, stalkers. Amongst all those faces, when I saw her, she kind of got stuck in my eyes, made an instant connection with my heart which transcended towards a smile. I still remember the sight clearly. She was wearing blue that day.
Of course I didn’t get to talk to her that day, but destiny had other plans for me.
2 days gone and the morning I got a call that I had an interview scheduled for some clients of Zensar at kalyani nagar, I was skeptical initially, to travel too far, and it was an automation testing job, I was in a dual mind, I reached there and saw two girls waiting outside on the sofa, one of them was her. And this time I braved enough to talk to her.
“hi, were you at Quick Heal mock up session?” I asked, she replied assertively.
Then came the hard part our interviews were taken and I ended up fucking it up.
She and I we both stay at kothrud, our small talks continued as we decided to travel together, I paid for rickshaw fare, she paid for bus, we had lime soda, even these small little things made me awestruck. She said one thing, I said another and the next thing I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life in the middle of that conversation.
Then came the second meeting, It was at the company where I got my dream job, I remember the conversation of previous night, about me wearing blue shirt, she wearing yellow kurta. I saw her in yellow that morning and my heart skipped a beat.
That exam I answered sitting right in front of her. And no wonder I took 1 hour to answer just 15 questions. I couldn’t stop myself from glancing at her time and again.
Sadly she couldn’t crack that, but I did and went on to get the job in the same company. she was disappointed but I told her she will get even better job and she did in just 2 weeks. She mentions often she remembers me telling her about this, and I feel glad she remembers.
But the exact moment I knew I had fallen for her came on the same day. After we finished exam and walked towards the nearest bus stand, she crossed the road full of traffic with confident aplomb and turned back and saw this lazy goan struggle crossing the busy street. She smiled, a confident morale boosting smile, and that my friend, was the exact moment I fell for her, I knew if god gave me an option of spending my rest of the life deciphering that smile, I would gladly do it.
We spent 3 hours chit chatting, sharing things, opening up like never before at one bus stop, she brought this whole new different side of me, I wanted to stay there and talk to her till eternity.
But that was it, after that we never met, however as time passed by we got close over the virtual space. She comes across as a mystery to me sometimes, sometimes very sweet and showers me with numerous compliments, sometimes disappears and goes silent for days. Every weekend I decide, I will tell her, I have to tell her, even though there are mix reactions from her side, I should make myself clear, I have been telling this my heart for 7 months now. But it is scared, and I always procrastinate. It always finds a new crush, for example. In this 7 month I have stayed loyal to anjali in the sense that I haven’t fallen seriously for anyone else.
The crush on blue eyed pharmacy girl at the local store is only an exception though. just one small advice – don’t ever be in a relationship with a local pharmacy store girl, if it doesn’t end well, she may kill you, for real . I almost died. More on that later.
As I reach the end of this blog post, I order another coffee. My head is spinning and this blog post is getting more and more descriptive, lengthy and boring, I am going to put it up anyway. I am a virgo who always set myself with small goals, but I need to set a bigger one. I need to tell Anjali , I can’t afford to let her go away, I can’t afford to drown myself in the abyss of solitude.
I have been liking the environment in office , the colleagues, my work, it atleast makes me forget the loneliness, solitude apparently isn’t bliss like how they make it to be, it’s more a lease, where in you get a temporary pleasure or satisfaction or whatever that you call it, eventually you have to return it back, eventually you have to go back to being normal, being social.
Every weekend I remind myself, I should tell her how much I like her, we both kind of know, but I have to be crystal clear and specific. I can’t. This weekend I wanted to meet her but she has gone away to her native place some 200 km away from Pune and it rained here. Sometimes I fell even rains have feelings and emotion, I don’t. I have become an emotionless robot.
I decide, this is it, today I will call her. I will.
My back starts aching and I twist a little, just when I do so, I catch hold of a petite female smoking a cigarette in the corner of cafeteria. She looks familiar. We recognize each other and smile. She stars walking towards me. Something, which I have come across often in Pune - girls taking the lead, Something which is not so common in Goa.
“You again ! what are you doing here?” she asks smiling surprisingly.
“You again!” I say as I nod my head “I stay here, what you are doing here?” I ask as I point out to her the building behind with my thumb.
“I stay right across that street, in that building” she says and points out to me her building with her index finger. We look at each other and smile. She was the correspondent girl whom I had met yesterday at some bike insurance company whose name I don’t want to disclose.
“great!” I say as I raise my eyebrows a little and smile.
“Great!” she replies. There is a whimsical pause in between.
“You look like you have some kind of a hangover” she blows a perfect smoke ring over my head.
“I am from Goa. We are perennially in a state of hangover” I reply and do a fake shooting action with my fingers.
She squeaks laughter. Her way of smiling profoundly with those small eyes remind me of Ileana D’cruz from the movie Happy Ending.
“Want a drag?” she asks forwarding me the cigarette from her hand. At this juncture numerous possibilities run through my mind and heart. My heart whispers “what the hell are you doing? You need to call Anjali and tell her that you love her” but my mind inclines to procrastinate. A yin-yang tattoo visible on her right wrist makes it even difficult to decline the offer.
“Sure” I take the cigarette from her hand, closing my laptop lid with a thud as we start walking to the smoking corner of the cafeteria.
In some deepest corner of my brain I sense a neuron cursing me.
And thus my story remains again, like a glass filled with water. Half empty, half full.
