You are sitting there at the rooftop restaurant eating veg food. Why veg? Because you miss her that much.
You sit there resting, more like supporting your left cheek with your left palm, rimless glasses complementing carefully trimmed beard of yours. You are in formal attire, a shirt that neatly fits your slightly toned body owing to the gym you been “hitting” lately. Eyes, focused on the work laptop which is kept in front of you. Your wrist showboats a watch now, that’s professional. The Bata moccasins you wearing are shining under the dimlight, you tap your right leg at the tune of jazz music which plays in the background not once taking your eyes off the article
you have to submit to the local Goan magazine. Another tab is open on your laptop where you have drafted a status report to your manager. The transformation is unreal, in 2 months you have changed from a lazy (or often crazy) sleepless hacker into a thorough professional, not only from outside, you feel the change inside too.
You feel the cold wind hitting your face, but that’s not the only hitting which bothers you as you dine alone. It’s the reality which has hit you hard in past months or so. It’s not the table tennis that bothers you, its missing the timely gym sessions, it’s not the waking up that bothers you, its sleeping early. It’s not she not turning out today that bothers you, it’s them, all your past mistakes, all the people that you let go, everyone who got serious with you, while you remained chilled. It’s the karma, biting you in the ass.
“We are all doomed” you give the title to your article and you freeze; freeze at the stark reality of it all.
The irony is just too startling to ignore or neglect. Someone’s waiting on someone who’s waiting on another, it’s cyclic. Someone is worried about their paycheck while others are worried how to turn that paycheck into white money. Someone somewhere is eating from a gold plate while others don’t even have a plate to eat. Someone is worried about the cyclone and tsunami while someone somewhere dies of drought and heat strokes, the world is so unfair. Someone has a heart disease to worry for, while someone just got acidity from eating a vada pao.
Someone is praying for a good omen; lost in smoke of agarbattis, while someone is trying to get over his bad omen lost in the smoke of weed. The world is full of worries, its filled with a dooming concept that we all are going to die, someone has problem with killing terrorists, while others are making issue out of melting polar ice caps. Someone has lost his hand, an eye, yet manages to win trophies, where as someone who’s come across dip in share market cries “I have lost everything”
Someone somewhere dining alone, while someone somewhere cries herself to sleep.
Why is the world so damn imbalanced? Why is there a need for attachment? Why is the world so full of loneliness and creepiness and isolation? Why is there a gap between the fingers? And why it’s so that not everyone can fill that gap even if they seem to be perfectly capable of feeling it? Why is even there a need to fill that gap in the first place? Why can’t we all just be normal? Why can’t we just be who we wish to be?
The question marks over questions marks. It’s like an inception of questionnaire that you find yourself lost into, yet you stay there eating paneer platter and sipping through a cocktail which tastes so bitter, just like your life presently.
It’s like you were being chased by many, you wanted to be chased by many, you got yourself chased so often, in the process you lost the count of how many actually chased you, in the process you lost the serendipity of it all, the essence, the flavor, the game, the enjoyment, the reality, the hurt, the attachment, detachment…… you lose the count of adjectives which were mixed in the process.
“someday you will be all alone, someday, and then you will cry, you will cry like a baby, you will want people to be with you, but you will have no one” you remember her words, yet you don’t cry, you are alone, you need people perhaps, you need the right people. But in the game of finding right people you either die or you live, you died. You let the part of you die, you let your soul die, and somehow in the process of finding the dead soul, you went on a spree of soul searching, in the process affecting the lives of other souls, some of them died with you, some of them changed so much, you affected their life. And now that you have found the soul which makes your soul alive, you are realizing the after effect of it all.
The soul you want, doesn’t want you, or perhaps it does want you, but not the way you want, your soul lights up with her, you lit up with her and you wish to enlighten her world, but you forget the fact that she doesn’t want you to light it up for her, not to the extent you wish to. That soul is on soul searching spree of its own, and you are just another soul, and now in the gist of all this, you have realized it’s not all about soul hunting. It’s about living and letting the right soul find you.
Your plate is full, but so is your stomach, your heart is not hungry, so is your stomach.
You are going on a sabbatical, you wish to walk the path of righteousness, you wanted to make your future better, but you cannot do it in present, its wrong, your present is not for you to shape your future, you can try, but it won’t really matter in the end, people will do what they want to, the world will be what it wants to be, what you can really do in present is to try and rectify your mistakes and try and correct them, before it’s too late. With a new found hunger to write, you end the last line “I am taking a sabbatical, this will be my last article” and you attach the .doc file which has the last line.
“Change, it’s not constant, it’s an entirely variable entity; varied over the time. Yesterday, its gone now, we cannot change it, we have no control, and only if we do right today, will the tomorrow be better?”
You end the last line with a question mark, just like the question mark on your life, the question for which the answer you do not know, you do realize however that it’s a time to put things into perspective, it’s time to try and make things right again. And so you walk out of the place determined staring at the wall with a quote which sums up your thought right now.
“I Go to seek a great perhaps” –Francois Rabelais
