New Year's Leap

We sat there arms around each other, we sat there with our toes dangling in the water below.

We witnessed the last sunset together, and embraced the oncoming sunrise with our dreams to follow.

Uddo beach. It’s my favorite place in Goa. The peace and bliss which comes on this beach is indescribable.

The calmness of sea far away, the chirping of birds in nearby bushes, River water flowing swiftly and merging vast sea, the only shack behind with a mild music, Vagator fort visible few hundred meters away to the west, Morjim coastline visible towards the east and the perfect position in between chosen by the sun to go down, into sea. It’s such a heavenly sight. I spent my last new year here and it was inevitable that I was going to spend this year here as well.

The sunset was amazing, so was the atmosphere. The shack owner had gotten few Rajasthani folk singers and dancers for the evening and it felt great relaxing over the bed and listening to some classical Indian folk songs. Rajasthani songs reminded me of certain someone, a friend who if not for her parents restriction would have been here with me enjoying this pleasant sight. (As usual- more on that later :P)

My mind got transferred to my own kind of a trance. Dinner; chit-chatting; meeting old friends, making new ones, I didn’t realize how the night passed by and soon it was 11.

I came to the shore and decided to call the only person I wanted to before the year ended but as usual, destiny always plays its cruel game, there was a network jam and calls weren’t connecting, I couldn’t tell that person that she remained the best person I met this year (and lot more things).

Anyway, so I decided to lie down on the sea bed away from the noise of friends and other party people who had arrived over there. I started thinking about the success and failures of this year. If 2013 was the worst year for me, 2014 was an improvement. I wouldn’t say the best as I suffered quite a few setbacks, my epistolary novel went unpublished despite publishers liking it fully and even discussing marketing. Liverpool – came so close to winning the title, only to slip it up. It was tragic after going so close and yet not achieving those targets. However as they say we should look at the positives and there were many positives to look after. I was contemplating making a few resolutions, I was in a dilemma of its own contemplation, whether I should be making those and whether or not I would be able to follow those. While thinking all this, I didn’t realize when the sleep fairy arrived, poured sand in my eyes and made me sleep.

And then, - baam! There was a dream. I saw a light, a figure, so disruptive but illuminated, like a shining light at the end of the tunnel. It spoke to me.

“You can call me your inner calling, your daydream or just a shining light at the end of the tunnel. Doesn’t matter what you call me.

Resolutions are hard to follow, but still we should end up making them anyway, because they give us a new hope, a new perspective to look at, a new belief, resolutions give us fresh start, a cloud of hope filled with zeal and zest.

You know what your goals are, go after them, and chase your dreams, stamp on all the distractions. Forget about the people from your past, there is a reason they didn’t make it to your present.”

This Goa trip has been more of a necessity, more about finding myself. I needed a break.

I have not had a productive day in terms of what I want to do, but I sure did have lot of moments to cherish.

Roaming on the bike, Riding along the beach roads, stopping on the way and playing football with street kids, scoring a van-Persie style volley.

Attending friends birthday party after so long, wishing each and every one around. It had been a good vacation so far, but I can’t go on living the normal life. I am not born to. When that light spoke to me, for the first time I realized that despite going after the clichéd romantic novel on friendship. I should be writing something which I have always wanted to write, even before I wrote that epistolary novel.

A story about underground hackers and underground hacking. A true revelation about who were they, what happened to them and where are they now. I have always felt that this mystery our country deserves to know. Our people need to know about these unsung heroes who fought day and night. Mostly nights. To avert the major tragedies in cyberspace. The treaty, the pact which almost brought in the third world war. Everything. The prolonged kept huge secrets from normal human beings, they deserve to know. This light has enlightened me and has given me a new found motivation. I will not be specific about my goals or dreams or anything for that matter in this blog post. But, I have found it. I have found what has been lacking. Reality.

Someone came and woke me up just before it was midnight.

The fireworks going around the whole Morjim coastline towards the east and Vagator beach and fort side towards the west illuminated the whole sky as we counted it down for New Year. The hugs and handshakes followed, the smiles were exchanged, fireworks kept bursting, and the flying lanterns were released. Joyous and happy mood of my friends and others around made me nostalgic. I liked the feel of having all smiles surrounding me. It made me feel, well, happy for once.

As we entered 2015, we all friends decided to make a move towards the next destination, a floating restaurant filled with friendly Russians in the middle of the river off the coast of Uddo beach.

We hired a boat which took us to this newly opened floating Restaurant. It was at the point where river meets the sea. It’s an amazing location with Vagator fort one side and Morjim coastline other side. However there was one problem. The water was really shallow and filled with rocks in between. The boat couldn’t take us to the restaurant deck.

The boat guy apologized for the inconvenience; he was surprised to see the water level so low. He told us that during low tide they sometimes carry a ladder but sadly he didn’t have that ladder with him currently as it was suppose to be high tide.

The whole plan was about to get spoiled. The distance from where the boat halted to the deck wasn’t very far but it was risky owing to the rocks in between.

We waited there for 5 minutes, and then Rahul decided to do it. He stood on the edge of boat and jumped off it. The long lanky legs of Rahul helped and he made it without even rolling. Seema followed it, and the enthusiastic her made it as well. The stout and short bubbly Nilesh, who was high already jumped in without thinking and he almost fell on the rocks but luckily Rahul and Seema helped him off. Rachel, Areeb and Alisha followed them and made it safely albeit a little rolling on the deck. Now it was just me and Vishal carrying his huge stature, on the boat. Vishal looked at me, “I am doing it” he said and without thinking twice jumped off the edge of the boat. I didn’t think he will make it but he did, with a huge thud that floating restaurant deck vibrated vigorously. He shouted loudly and all of them celebrated. They all looked at me from the deck and I was stranded on the boat. I looked at their smiling expectant faces waving at me calling me over; I walked till the edge of the boat, my whole year’s life flashed at me for split of second.

It was the year I met a girl I met who instantly got me over the depression of the lost love of last year.

It was the year I got job into the company I wanted and the field I wanted.

It was the year I matured as a person.

But,

It was also the year I wrote a serious epistolary novel which reached the final stage with publisher and went unpublished.

It was the year I started second book and abandoned it.

It was also the year of lot of flings and confusions.

Overall it was a mixed bag of a year for me, and I was scared that this jump may or may not take me to the deck of the floating restaurant. For all I know, I might fall off on the rocks in between and seriously injure myself.

I looked down at the rocks, those were the distractions, and those were like mistakes from my previous year. Those were like my low points, or the people from my past who were pulling me back.

And then I looked ahead and saw the smiling, excited faces of my friends, my future, and the perspective in their eyes, the optimism and belief that I would make it.

“Just take a leap” whispered my heart.

I smiled as I heard the tune of song “prophets” by AC Newman playing in the background. I jumped.

When in air, I felt the burden of my past ease off, the lost love, the flings, the disappointments, and failures, everything shredded behind. I was leaving a chunk of my toxic figments behind. I landed on deck and suddenly felt my shoulders light. The cheering and enthusiasm of my friends surrounded me. The new vibe, New Year, and the new beginning.

We spent the major part of 2015’s first few hours partying hard with the Russians on that floating restaurant until the boat came back at 5 am in the morning and took all of us away.

Nobody spoke a word while on the boat. We all had smiles on our faces. I stood by the railing and felt the early morning sun rays on my body. I felt alive.

It was always going to be a day of resolutions. And at that very moment I made my first.

I am not going to reveal what the resolution is since I feel resolutions are always to be kept secret, within our own selves.

One thing I am sure of though, I am going to write the best chapter of my life on the very first blank page of 2015 J

Happy New Year !!!

PUNEFICATION

All the things written in this blog are fictional in nature, any resemblance to real life character or event is merely a case of co-incidence….In real life, co-incidences often occur.


Hello, I am Gaurav. Gaurav Sawant. Now, I was not trying to imitate James Bond when I said that. No, I am not a big fan of his, I am not a big fan of Romeo- Juliet movies either. I am just me. I am the in-between. Sometimes I feel like my life is a glass filled with half water, and I find myself wondering whether I am half-full or half empty. Yes, I am a Virgo, the kind of Virgo whose greatest fight ever has been with his own self.

Last time I wrote something about my Job and my ambitions, I got quite a stick. Today I’m here again, writing about my love life in Pune, yes love life, that too just because someone forced me, “forced” is the right word.

To be honest, I don’t even know from where to start, or how to start or what to start for that matter.

But Pune will always be the city which gave me my 1st puppy love, way back when I was in 11th standard, my first girlfriend, and now my best friend. A dentist (whom I never visit for obvious reasons)

So, let me count how many (1, 2, 3, 4 and half…) okay, this might be quite a revelation, but the list is endless.

When I came here, I was forgetting someone, someone whom I loved whole heartedly, of course, before her I had few relationships as well, but ‘her’ was friendship turned into love, and that slow bonding was too strong. Zoya. I felt she was the love of my life, but as it is always the case with me, what I feel, doesn’t happen. Religion, fights, Ego, everything came crumbling upon and it was a bitter end.

However as they say something good comes out of everything. – I ended up writing an epistolary novel titled “Forgetting Zoya Beig!” loosely based on how I overcame our “break-up”. I approached publishers in mid may. They liked the concept, they liked the sample chapters, they liked the whole manuscript, this went on for more than 6 months, we were even discussing marketing strategies, then one day they suddenly change their plan. They asked me to change the ending. I felt devastated. I couldn’t do what they had asked me to, I would never do it, I denied. It was my story, why would I change the end? I had never felt so low in my life before. It was a dubious end to what seemed like a pleasant dream. Since then, I have approached few more publishers and this book still languishes in theirs as well as my document folders. The reason- they want the same old cliched novels, same old “ghisi-piti” love stories, for mine was an epistolary novel, something which hasn’t been tried in Indian market, I am hoping to find a publisher brave enough to try something different. Having said that, I am currently writing my second book and it is well – ghisi piti love story in itself, it’s a story of 2 friends and their parallel lives for the 10 years- more on that later.

Back to the topic, where was I ? oh yes, Love, my love. Well, I never used to believe in “love at first sight” until I met her. - Ms. Anjali , (okay I am changing the names here, so as to protect theirs (as well as my identity), cause as I said earlier, its fiction isn’t it? and I can’t think of any filmy name other than “Anjali”)

Before Anjali came into my life, there were Ms. S, Ms. K, Ms. A. let’s call them Sarika,kanika and ummm avantika. Ooh, and how can I forget that blue eyed pharmacy girl.

Now you guys are thinking I am a jerk, yes I was a little disturbed back then, but it wasn’t entirely my fault you see. I never really cheated on anyone, there was a separate phase for each. And all I did was stay honest about my feelings.

So, when I came to Pune in September last year, I had a kind of long distance fling going on with an IHM girl, Sarika. She loved me and I returned her ardor but not the love. But we were smitten and dying/ vying to meet each other. So when we finally met the sparks were about to fly. It did fly, but in a bad way. It was at some party, we got a room, we made out and just when things were about to get further nasty, it hit me, I didn’t love her, it was a late realization for both of us, and we both wondered what the hell were we doing, trying to get over someone by getting “over” another. we were glad we didn’t cross any limits, things were awkward after that between both of us. She kind of hated me for few months after that, but as days and months have passed by, I have tried to be a better friend for her, help her with whatever techie stuff I could, been there for her as a friend and the past have been forgotten.

Kanika, well, soon after sarika and I split up, it was kanika who entered my life. Well, in this relationship also, there was lot of passion and physicality. I didn’t know whether I loved her, but love happens slowly, and I felt eventually it will happen, so I gave it a try. The days/nights spent interacting with her in cold Pune weather were amongst the highlights of my jaded life back then. Especially the back massage, I guess she will never forget and so will I, she had a sexy voice, I thought maybe eventually I was falling for her slowly and carefully, it was just that the timing was wrong, I had started trying for the job and had also started to get in touch with publishers for my epistolary novel which I had finished till then. It came to haunt me as she ran out of time and eventually found someone else when I had gone for Goa in 2 weeks. Two weeks can change anything. She blocked me, hated me and probably never going to talk to me again. I was little heart-broken, not very, just a little. But I tried hard to convince her, she had moved on, away from me and away from this city. Sometimes I do wonder what it would have been had I reached Pune earlier from that two months Goa break. Sometimes I do wonder how things could have been if I had said the “love” word when she wanted me to say. All I did was to be honest with her and that screwed up things. I will be her friend once again, and I will make things right again, someday I will clear the misunderstandings , I will. But as of now , I am happy she found her true love, the guy seems to be decent one, polite, hardworking. I am happy for her, I really am.

Avantika, it was kind of complicated for her was the one who came closest to hear “I love you” from me. She was the sweetest of the lot, sweetest and the simplest and I still don’t get the reason why she went away from me or started ignoring me. She was the only one who never blamed me for anything rather always kept telling me that it was because she won’t be able to commit that she is going away. It was a sweet end. Her family was too strict related to caste matters, and she didn’t want to get into any relationship with a boy from another caste, typical Indian love story. And I was scared of marriage too, I had just started working, and I am not thinking about marriage for as long as it can get.

So that was it, when I look back at my love life after coming to this city, I often find myself wondering, what the hell was I doing, how the hell It is so full yet so empty. Again, like a glass filled with water. And I often find myself asking my heart, do you regret it? and it whispers “probably not” , they deserve better, and they will get better, in my case I wasn’t really sure about anything, was in a dilemma, and when you are in dilemma , you have to be honest, never lie, and so I did.

It continued whispering … “however, I do regret – the one that got away, the one with whom you should have tried a little more, how can you give up on it” and then my mind whispers “give up? He doesn’t give up, he just procrastinates, he never quits” I smile as I think of her. Anjali.



DAY 2:

Ok last night I had to stop writing, it was 2 am and something else came up, something more important.

These days I don’t know what is happening, I find myself forcing me to write, that’s really not a good sign. However with force comes power and momentum, I do need some momentum, hence as I wake up at 11 am, I find myself carrying my laptop to the local café shop. My one flatmate has gone out roaming with his office colleagues, and another is studying for MBA, a perfect opportunity to embrace the solitude.

I sit here in the café shop closes to our building, surrounded by small trees so as to protect sunlight entering inside this open cafeteria. A small radiant light manages to escape through the leaves and falls on my laptop. I smile, the ray of hope as I call it, I try catching it, it withers away, just like Anjali.

It was 5th of May 2014. Around 7 months ago, when I first saw that pretty face, sitting right across me down the hallway, waiting for the mock session to begin, beautiful, confident and calm face amongst the vastly nervous, worries, chit chatter, stalkers. Amongst all those faces, when I saw her, she kind of got stuck in my eyes, made an instant connection with my heart which transcended towards a smile. I still remember the sight clearly. She was wearing blue that day.

Of course I didn’t get to talk to her that day, but destiny had other plans for me.

2 days gone and the morning I got a call that I had an interview scheduled for some clients of Zensar at kalyani nagar, I was skeptical initially, to travel too far, and it was an automation testing job, I was in a dual mind, I reached there and saw two girls waiting outside on the sofa, one of them was her. And this time I braved enough to talk to her.

“hi, were you at Quick Heal mock up session?” I asked, she replied assertively.

Then came the hard part our interviews were taken and I ended up fucking it up.

She and I we both stay at kothrud, our small talks continued as we decided to travel together, I paid for rickshaw fare, she paid for bus, we had lime soda, even these small little things made me awestruck. She said one thing, I said another and the next thing I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life in the middle of that conversation.

Then came the second meeting, It was at the company where I got my dream job, I remember the conversation of previous night, about me wearing blue shirt, she wearing yellow kurta. I saw her in yellow that morning and my heart skipped a beat.

That exam I answered sitting right in front of her. And no wonder I took 1 hour to answer just 15 questions. I couldn’t stop myself from glancing at her time and again.

Sadly she couldn’t crack that, but I did and went on to get the job in the same company. she was disappointed but I told her she will get even better job and she did in just 2 weeks. She mentions often she remembers me telling her about this, and I feel glad she remembers.

But the exact moment I knew I had fallen for her came on the same day. After we finished exam and walked towards the nearest bus stand, she crossed the road full of traffic with confident aplomb and turned back and saw this lazy goan struggle crossing the busy street. She smiled, a confident morale boosting smile, and that my friend, was the exact moment I fell for her, I knew if god gave me an option of spending my rest of the life deciphering that smile, I would gladly do it.

We spent 3 hours chit chatting, sharing things, opening up like never before at one bus stop, she brought this whole new different side of me, I wanted to stay there and talk to her till eternity.

But that was it, after that we never met, however as time passed by we got close over the virtual space. She comes across as a mystery to me sometimes, sometimes very sweet and showers me with numerous compliments, sometimes disappears and goes silent for days. Every weekend I decide, I will tell her, I have to tell her, even though there are mix reactions from her side, I should make myself clear, I have been telling this my heart for 7 months now. But it is scared, and I always procrastinate. It always finds a new crush, for example. In this 7 month I have stayed loyal to anjali in the sense that I haven’t fallen seriously for anyone else.

The crush on blue eyed pharmacy girl at the local store is only an exception though. just one small advice – don’t ever be in a relationship with a local pharmacy store girl, if it doesn’t end well, she may kill you, for real . I almost died. More on that later.

As I reach the end of this blog post, I order another coffee. My head is spinning and this blog post is getting more and more descriptive, lengthy and boring, I am going to put it up anyway. I am a virgo who always set myself with small goals, but I need to set a bigger one. I need to tell Anjali , I can’t afford to let her go away, I can’t afford to drown myself in the abyss of solitude.

I have been liking the environment in office , the colleagues, my work, it atleast makes me forget the loneliness, solitude apparently isn’t bliss like how they make it to be, it’s more a lease, where in you get a temporary pleasure or satisfaction or whatever that you call it, eventually you have to return it back, eventually you have to go back to being normal, being social.

Every weekend I remind myself, I should tell her how much I like her, we both kind of know, but I have to be crystal clear and specific. I can’t. This weekend I wanted to meet her but she has gone away to her native place some 200 km away from Pune and it rained here. Sometimes I fell even rains have feelings and emotion, I don’t. I have become an emotionless robot.

I decide, this is it, today I will call her. I will.

My back starts aching and I twist a little, just when I do so, I catch hold of a petite female smoking a cigarette in the corner of cafeteria. She looks familiar. We recognize each other and smile. She stars walking towards me. Something, which I have come across often in Pune - girls taking the lead, Something which is not so common in Goa.

“You again ! what are you doing here?” she asks smiling surprisingly.

“You again!” I say as I nod my head “I stay here, what you are doing here?” I ask as I point out to her the building behind with my thumb.

“I stay right across that street, in that building” she says and points out to me her building with her index finger. We look at each other and smile. She was the correspondent girl whom I had met yesterday at some bike insurance company whose name I don’t want to disclose.

“great!” I say as I raise my eyebrows a little and smile.

“Great!” she replies. There is a whimsical pause in between.

“You look like you have some kind of a hangover” she blows a perfect smoke ring over my head.

“I am from Goa. We are perennially in a state of hangover” I reply and do a fake shooting action with my fingers.

She squeaks laughter. Her way of smiling profoundly with those small eyes remind me of Ileana D’cruz from the movie Happy Ending.

“Want a drag?” she asks forwarding me the cigarette from her hand. At this juncture numerous possibilities run through my mind and heart. My heart whispers “what the hell are you doing? You need to call Anjali and tell her that you love her” but my mind inclines to procrastinate. A yin-yang tattoo visible on her right wrist makes it even difficult to decline the offer.

“Sure” I take the cigarette from her hand, closing my laptop lid with a thud as we start walking to the smoking corner of the cafeteria.

In some deepest corner of my brain I sense a neuron cursing me.

And thus my story remains again, like a glass filled with water. Half empty, half full.

Life takes you places, love takes you home

I closed my laptop lid with a thud. I looked outside and smiled with satisfaction as cold wind blew ravishing my poker face and dazzling the tree outside our building mildly.

I was done booking the ticket to Goa. I was going home. “I am going home” whispered my mind. It’s been 2 months and the wait had been longer and harder than I thought.

I crashed on my bed. Again, with a thud. The excitement was too riveting to be kept engulfed inside. I had a wide grin on my face, the kind of grin which I used to have while meeting that special friend back in Goa a year ago. Now, there was no ‘that’ special friend, instead there are very special people, my family.

I twisted a little on my bed and watched the same tree which was dazzling in the wind, now it was drizzling and the tree was dancing to the tunes of wind and rain. My grin transformed into a squeaky laughter.

I looked on top at the ceiling and my mind kept wondering.

Last two three months have been a roller coaster ride for me, from getting a job in India’s number one anti-virus company and in the profile which I wanted to the largest publication house in India liking the synopsis and sample chapters of an epistolary novel I had written and reviewing my full manuscript, it has been a fairytale ride, just waiting for them to give me a final reply and that will be a cherry on a cake. I smiled again, this time it was more of an optimistic assuredly smile, rather than the excited one which I had earlier.

It all started in May 1^st week. The day I met that girl at an interview, I started believing in love at first sight, it gave me a fresh breath. The kind of love which makes you say to your friend “hey, you see that girl over there, I’m going to marry her someday”, *more on that later*, an interview in which I didn’t get selected, but there were better things waiting for me. In the second week of May, my dream company came calling.

As I was preparing for the 1^st round of interview, I got another sweet surprise. The publication house which had asked for the synopsis of my book and sample chapters, liked those, and asked for the full manuscript. I wasn’t expecting them to like it. I wasn’t optimistic at all. But now since they are reviewing the full manuscript, I can’t stop dreaming about my ultimate dream everyday keeping my fingers crossed.

And then in the same week, I got selected. All my previous internet security knowledge and hacking expertise of old helped, it’s like all stars aligned to put me into the place which I wanted and since past three months I am living a dream. I had set two goals for the year 2014, and by midway I have achieved one and I am darn close to achieving another.  

It all happened too soon, and now when I look back, I realize, during this whole process, this journey, the friends who truly supported me and stood by me throughout was my family. ofcourse, there were countless others, flatmates, college friends, Uncle and aunt here in Pune. Etc.

But without the support of my parents I wouldn’t have been able to do anything. I remember the first person I used to call when I was at low –my mother. The first person I used to call after every interview process- my dad. When I got an email asking me to send me the full manuscript for final editorial evaluation, the first person I told– my sister.

I had been a naughty and expensive child, I have been an impossible child, however in these first few steps towards the success, their persistence and belief in me was what kept me stronger and kept me going. And now I don’t want to stop, I have set further goals for me. In next two years, I want to travel a lot, I have been to north, west and south India, next year I want to go East and Andaman Nicobar island. I want to keep writing, channelize the ideas which have camouflaged in my brain. And hopefully I see myself still working in this wonderful company for many more years to come.

My life has changed for good. Pune has been a lucky place for me. I learned to shrug off my introvert image. I learnt to take responsibilities, to be on my own and the art of interaction with the outside world. Other than that I also learned other small things, like washing cloths and most importantly to cook food, good food at that.

I have got an awesome group of friends in office, the work environment is amazing, even though we have to work 9 hours a day, I still feel good and happy working there. For a guy who never used to have 60 percent attendance in any of his college semester, for not having missed a single day at office in past 3 months is a greater achievement then it seems to be. We have picnics, games, team lunch and dinners, the seniors/juniors everyone is so supportive. At quick heal we are one big happy family and long may that continue. :)

On top of that, I have perfect flat mates with whom I get along so well. We watched world cup together, watch movies together, interact a lot and sleep late at night, party often. We do what every other guy in their early twenties would do. And most importantly have found a near-perfect sea food place where even if the freshness of fish isn’t consistent, it still good to visit every Sunday for a traditional Goan fish curry rice.

There are many pros of being on your own, you can sleep whenever you want, wherever you want, get up at whatever time you want, and there will be no one to shout at you even if you skip your meal or breakfast, and there is no one to urge you to go to sleep early.

Things which you possibly couldn’t and wouldn’t do at home like Riding 10 kms in the rain just to have a kulfi in the middle of the night, Not having to worry about returning late in night when you out partying with friends, not having to worry about whether there are girls in your group when you say you have house party. Your lies go undiscovered.

Not only that, in Goa there are people judging you everywhere you go everything you do, like for example, you are out with this girl and there is always this fear that some relative of yours might spot you, there is always that thing at the back of your mind, here in Pune, I can roam with any friends, girls included and not having to worry whether friends or family member spots you and make a conclusion out of it.

Then, ofcourse, you can bargain with any rickshawallah, shop keepers, vendors, bike repairing guys without giving a second thought, in Goa it was always an awkward situation, here it’s not awkward at all. You can try out all the dishes you want, you can go days without washing utensils (ok, that didn’t happen with me, but just saying) ;)

However, with every pros there are cons, and there are plenty here, there is no one to serve you breakfast and tea early morning when you wake up from bed, you have to either make it or go out and have it, the cloths which you throw on your bed and they lay there for eternity, it seems fun initially, but then you yourself find it disgusting and more so, you yourself have to pick it up and trash it in cupboard, cause your mom is 350 miles away.

And the biggest disadvantage of being in Pune is that there is no sea here, hence there is no good place to hang out as compared to Goa and most importantly there is no sea-food , even if you get sea food at some places , its transported  from Mumbai/goa or karwar, which is not as fresh as I am used to in Goa, and that also at a very expensive rate. Then there is another food problem, here people use oil a lot when they cook, then ofcourse, no use of coconut, plain curries. That sucks.

You get used to eating poha’s everyday, for a guy who used to hate eating poha when he was small, it’s a tough ask.

Your granny’s and grandpa’s and uncle and aunt calls you over weekend and you realize how much you miss them and how much they miss you, you realize how tough it is being away from your family for such a long time.

Over the months I used to think that the things I miss about Goa, my home, was pretty symbolic in nature, for example- sea food, Uddo beach, kamurlim riverside place. Etc.

However, today on this friendship day, as I booked the ticket of 14^th August, and begin with the 10 days wait, I have come to realize that it’s not as symbolic or materialistic, it’s about my true friends back home, friends who have been with me ever since I was born, it’s about my family.  

Till then, I am going to hang in there, like a Brinjal or something, waiting to be plucked and transported back to Goa for 4 days and back (I now know the value of 4 days in Goa, that’s like whooping 96 hours).

So, consider it this way, some random thoughts with a profound touch crossed trivial part of this brinjal’s heart and it decided to put it here.

This friendship day, I would like to dedicate to you - my mom, dad, sister and my whole family back home. You have truly been my best friends who have always stood by me.

At the end, I would like to say just one thing which I picked from someone’s random Facebook status update and which clearly defines this onion peel like excitement which I am having and exactly what I am feeling.

It goes something like this - “Life takes you places, love takes you home” :)

year 2035: How uncle ronny met aunt Jenny

YEAR 2035

Me: Kids, I am gonna tell you all an incredible story. The story of how uncle Ronny met aunt Jenny

Kids(confused) : Dad! Thought you gonna tell us about how u met mom.

Me: well, kids the story of how i met your mom includes some complications and things which i will reconsider, analyse and edit and tell, so...its gonna take me a while. In the meantime i will tell you all this incredible story of the two people who are really close to my heart, and well yours too..

Son(innocent and childish excitement): yeah..!! it’s always nice to hear stories about uncle ronny.

Daughter(with equally innocent excited voice): and aunt Jenny!!!

Me:25 years ago sitting in our regular booth at tina’s juice centre near our college PCCE, your uncle ronny admitted to a “gospel” which was gonna haunt him for the next 2 years.

He said “ i think i may have developed a little crush on that girl”.

At that time, We were in the third semester , and pretty much fresh and raring to enjoy our next 3 years in college, so when i first heard it from his mouth, my reaction was.. well lets just say i ended up puking the orange juice which i was drinking in my own mouth and gulping it down my throat

Son: gross!! Dad you are so disgusting

Me: now, stop talking in between,  do you wanna listen to the story or no?

Son: I think I better go and play fifa

Daughter: I will go and watch vampire diaries season 20

Me: no no!!, kids listen to me, will handle Q&A’s later

Ok  so where was i?

Ah yes

I clearly remember that particular day. We had practical’s and me and ronny reached late..and ronny couldn’t get a place to sit next to aunt Jenny. The master coder ronny couldn’t even solve a simple C++ code that day, he had no interest in reading player ratings of arsenals 4-4 draw against Liverpool. I could see it on his face, I could sense it, the kind of feelings he had developed. No offense my dear daughter but girls are complicated and it was initial stage so I couldn’t risk giving a stern advice over this to ronny. It would have been vaguely premature from my side.

So, as the days went on their friendship grew stronger n somewhere between the 3rd sem, he fell in love with her. But the things between them were just based on those four magical words “we are just friends”, atleast for the external world around them.

And then came the 4th semester. One fine day we sitting at the willy’s ice cream parlour eating our favourite ice-cream promoted by then England football team captain john terry, and uncle ronny told me a secret which he had kept to himself for a long time.

Son: dad, can i ask you a question, isn’t willy’s the place where you get cigarettes and stuff?

Me: son, those were good old days back then, we weren’t even knowing the spelling of cigarette let alone touching or smoking it, listen, I am gonna tell you an important thing “smoking kills” and..

Son(interrupting): dad I am fifteen for god sake I know smoking is harmful.

Me: ok...good..

So, uncle ronny told me that he indeed confessed about his feelings to aunt Jenny, and she told him that she too “had” developed  feelings for him  but presently her feelings magically ( or rather “tragically” for uncle ronny) disappeared and she doesn’t feel it anymore, uncle ronny had gone for a long tour to Kolkata, and he confessed to me that had he known earlier, he would have come back to goa any day in between that tour, such a romantic guy your uncle ronny was/is..

What followed The following semester was the series of  ”THE END” and “the end of THE END”. Where in both used to stop talking to each other, start talking to each other, listen to sad songs, sing  happy songs together, stop sitting with each other, walk with each other.  We friends could only believe and hear  those magical words again “we are just friends”. But your uncle ronny has always been truthful to me. He used to tell me everything. And He always continued and tried his best to be with her and accepted whatever “the end” or “the ban” she used to impose on her. Aunt Jenny has always been a nice person but as you all know girls take a lot of time to accept some stern reality and she took her own sweet time, but what made me proud and what made aunt jenny proud is the fact that despite so many “failures”, “accidents”,  “no-feelings”, “backs” and everything wrong that happened during those times, uncle ronny always kept pushing, he always kept believing in himself and in his true love.

He sang “I can be your hero”, he went on to search and got the best shwarma in goa for her,

There was this one instance where uncle ronny reaches home which is 60 kms far  from college, and he gets a text from aunt Jenny saying “wish you were here in college”. He, without thinking twice, drives all the way back to the college and surprises her.

There were times when he used to feel depressed and call me in babaji’s cold drink house, we used to sit there in our regular booth and discuss about “the end” for hours. I always believed that what they had/have is special. Because, I had seen them together in my dreams.  Kids I have this weird theory, whatever I see in my dreams, it always turns out to be true.

Son: did you see mom in your dreams too?

Me: well, when I met your mom, I went into the longest dream of my life, and I never came out of it, I am still relishing that dream..

So, getting back to uncle ronny, those times he handled it pretty strongly, honestly if I was at his place, I would given up a long time ago...but as I said what they had was/is something special. And universe kept on conspiring and derailing their “the end” train. Although the things remained the same “we are just friends”, “no feelings”!!!

But then came the amiable twist,

 on the lonely, darkest and scary night of 27th march 2011, uncle ronny received a weirdest text, some kind of a code, he first thought it was from the aliens. But soon he checked it was from aunt Jenny, he couldn’t believe his eyes.

He casually picked his phone and called me. I will recite you all the exact conversation

Ronny: hey bro, what u doing?

Me: well, me chatting with this girl “what’s her name” (sorry kids i don’t remember her name anymore).. and I just “vazied” her.

Ronny: OMG, don’t tell me you used “the vazy” trick, did it work??

Me: oh yes, the “the vazy “always works,

 anyways what’s up? What’s so important to call in the middle of the night?

Ronny: bro u wont believe what just happened? I don’t know how to tell you, Jenny texted me some code, some weird code.

Me: article 322 of brocode says that when a bro stumbles upon a mysterious code or any mysterious design by da-vinci , he should always work in co-operation with a fellow bro while decoding it. See you tomorrow morning  at babaji’s and don’t come in shorts like always , “jeans –up”.

The next morning he showed me the text containing that code. It was a cryptographic recite. Let me tell you all one thing about aunt jenny. She might come across as a lazy person but she is one of the brightest minds around, in college she always used to mysteriously clear all the difficult, brainy papers but used to screw up all her easy papers cause of her laziness.

Getting back to the code, we worked on decrypting that code for 2 days, I tried all my brute force algorithms, uncle ronny apparently used to stare at the code on his cell for hours, although i still feel  he ended up staring at aunt Jenny’s picture instead like how he always used to do.

And after all this effort and tireless working day and night, cramming our brain with numerous possibilities we concluded that

WE ARE GOOD FOR NOTHING

Kids: so dad what was that code, how did you all find out?

Son: well kids respecting your aunt’s high level of intelligence, we invoked the “bro-oath” and decided to keep the anonymity of that code a secret, but I will tell you all what it contained.

4 days later on 31st march 2011 aunt eventually disclosed the hidden meaning behind that code; it contained those 3 magical words “i love you”.

She accepted the feelings are mutual, apparently she told him “I hate you for never letting me go, I hate you for always being there for me, I hate you I hate you I hate you, but I love you”

Uncle ronny was the happiest person that day.. And well needless to say i was equally happy for them and well i have nothing else to say what happened for years to follow, as they say in movies.. They went on to live happily ever after...:)

Kids blame the movies for having such high expectations of relationship, but honestly i believe whatever relationship it is, whether friendship, love or even parental. In a long run The only thing that holds it together or required for its sustainability is TRUTH and TRUST.

So, kids its almost 12.30, its time to witness the epic champions league final between Liverpool and AC Milan. Finish your dinner quickly..lets cheer our lovely club, and after the match I am gonna tell you all how Liverpool won the 2005 champions league.

Kids(shouting): dad...!!! How boring can u be?

Me:  A lot..;)

To,

 The editor,

Mimes of india.

Sir,

Well, u can perceive me as just another teenage Indian girl, but what I am writing to you is really more of a serious matter tried to put it in words by a teenager in real concern. Today as I sat in the hall watching the television with my parents, specially my lovely mom, I came across something horrible.

The hype and exaggeration of the reality shows and the supposedly creepy “breaking news” of the news channel have made us teenagers life a living hell especially girls. As my mom witnessed a horrified news of young girls getting raped across India and the manner in which they presented in their “sansani” style , her face dampened and along with my granny she felt extra serious about all this, and in turn , I had to hear a long lecture over this. This has been the case many times. Now the thing which they show is true to some extent, but letme be honest, im a realist as well as a “believist” . now something bad gonna happen, its destined to happen in reality. Just because I wear a salwar-kameez over a tee and mini skirt, doesn’t reduce my chances of getting molested, does it?.

Well I am lucky to be living and studying in the modern state of goa where people from all religion live in harmony . yet there are some things which are prevalent. I cant deny that. Some restrictions are oblivious and I know my limits and I know where I stand. But the hype which this reality shows and the news channel create is just too much. Specially the old people and conservative family personal take it too seriously and we teenage girls have to suffer mentally and emotionally.

 Not everyone is as lucky as me to have a wonderful pagal in my life- gaurav...:)

Now letme tell you few things about gaurav, he is the nicest person I know. The relationship which I share with him is amazing, he makes me happy, and the very fact that I have said “love you” to him more than I have said to any1 else proves how important he is my life. Anyways coming back to the topic. As I felt disturbed with the conversation with my mom, granny, I could think of only 1 person to talk to. When I get disturb I usualy hide myself like a tortoise in a shell. But this gaurav keeps irritating me, god knows why he likes to hear me crib so much, bloody loser! He even “loves” my mood it seems.. and as you know how much girls need a listener who can quietly listen to their cribbing and bla bla bla…so it all balances, no wonder I ended up calling him. Ok fine, as I write this I don’t find gaurav thing relevant to my original serious story, he had just a small role to play as he listened to my anger and agreed to whatever I said and even agreed to help me out in writing a letter (which he never did, lazy douchbag) so that’s all about gaurav.

Now coming back to the serious rape matter, I don’t understand why this men are so sex hungry. TV channels instead of showing statistics and nature of rape cases, should concentrate more on creating awareness and upgrading the seriousness of rape-molestation laws. I think government should really employ stringent laws like they should have men’s testicles crushed under stone if found guilty of rape case, and I mean it.

Funny story, when I was cribbing about such things with bitter angerness I said “if I could, I would chop everyone’s manhood” and gaurav said “please dont chop mine, I would never rape anyone. I promise”..lol he can be really funny at times. But mostly he doesnt talk. He only writes. And yet his one or two witty statements make me smile, and his funny stories makes me laugh like crazy. But then again as I said we two can smile and laugh in silence. Mad people we are. As I am writing this I am smiling thinking about him. And now I am blushing as well. I try avoiding it in front of him, but I know when we meet , sometimes I just look down and blush. He is just an average looking chap but his character is what I like, and well, he likes everything about me. Right from my braces to my beautiful eyes. Ok well I know I am praising myself too much. But I am only saying the truth. “mein toh apni favourite hun”..;)

Ok now forgetting about me and gaurav and getting back to the more serious matter. I don’t get why men are so sex starved. Physical intimacy isn't the only way to connect with ladies. We live in such a sex hungry society. The marriage has lost all its true meaning. A marriage is merging of 2 souls into one. It’s a state where 2 hearts melt, Where in both bride and groom know each other and know what they are doing. Where a groom realizes that this is the girl with whom he wants to spend his rest of the life with, she is the one whom he wants to kiss “goodnight” on her forehead every night. Her radiant innocuous face is what he wants to see every morning when he wake up. However the scenario has taken complete different sequence. I told this to gaurav and I say it again “marriage is just a connotation which legalizes sex, nothing else” . But then again like how gaurav explained not all men are like that , and I believe it. I once even told him that I want husband like him, who understands me so well, I don’t know whether he took it seriously or not. Anyways, Gaurav is really cheesy. A lot cheesy at that. But his cheesiness makes me smile and blush. As he once said “ I can make u laugh and smile without even touching/tickling you, just imagine how much in state of bliss you will be wen I actually touch you”.. pagal *blush*. He just has to tell me how beautiful I am. Despite me, knowing how beautiful I am..:P Oops! Sorry I should be talking about more general issues and not my personal life. So getting back to the rape thing. What our society needs is love and respect. What this news channels should do is work towards betterment of the society and fulfillment of the needs of the society. Education/literacy and stringent laws on alcohol restriction, rape acuse term and jail sentence etc are need to be in place. And most importantly what u need is someone in life who solves all your problems. Like how gaurav calls me his “stress buster”. Well indeed the feeling is mutual. We do need stress busters at times.

And At times I do miss gaurav, but I don’t know why I abstain myself from interacting with him , like for the past few days I havent been replying his calls, msgs. I know how he must be feeling. Outside he shows like he is cool and relax , but I know inside he must be dying a slow painful death without me. But then why doesnt he say anything, like I have told him “I love you” more times then he has said. I don’t get it, why are we holding our love back. Specially he is so cheesy and yet he Is happy at the way things are going in our mind boggling relationship.may be he is afraid that if he overdo some things he might lose me, cuz after all , he wants my happiness and over the time I have realized he means it, but what he doesn’t get is, he is my happiness..:).. Well, however it is, I know it does make me happy and it does make him happy and like one famous quote goes “he smiles, she smiles, problem solved”..:)

So , being in a relationship doesn’t only mean kissing, dating, and show off, its about being with the person who makes u happy, and oh ya! Also men shouldn’t rape anyone- physically or mentally..

Thank you..:P

Yours sincerely,

 Mausambi..;)

Eccentricity

I realize now that probably a very big chunk of my life I have spent being happy. ...Not ecstatic maybe- but happy for sure.... And that is what makes unhappiness so completely unbearable, So difficult, So bloodypainful...

I can't be unhappy. ..It is too hard to bear.... Too hard to accept and live with...

I don't care if that is the rule of the world.

I spent roughly 24 hours trying to live unhappiness down... I have notsucceeded.... I feel miserable... I can't laugh..

I need something... Get me that something. ...That someone.

Or take it all away....Revise and refresh my mind into a new document.

Why can I not be like the poetry I try to write? ...That can be edited on need?

Somebody please edit me....

i thought i had no feelings, but i was wrong...she was right all the way along...this creepy feeling of being lonely is so suffocating, i feel as if i am lying in bottomless abyss, floating with a heavy head, so full of thoughts and numerous thoughts leading to various assumptions each reaching its dead-end.
i never felt this before but why am i feeling so low today?, the day i expected and prepared myself to sleep early, this night is eating hell out of me, creeping me out, head feeling heavy, heart feeling hollow, i have become numb, loneliness is covering me up with this dark shadow and i am feeling helpless...
may be i never gave it a thought, maybe i thought this all to be my own fantasies and i would control them all. but right now i feel i am into her fantasies and that i have been controlled by her.
i should have listened to my dark passenger and the code which kept saying throughout that i am going in the wrong direction and that i am fading away..
i feel its too late to control this urge now, after all it has proved that i am still human after all, and that i am in the realm of her bliss and my own dark passenger which kept my "secrety" life intact and kept me cool and calm has finally abandoned me and yet again i say i feel numb, just a day after i tweeted "i feel alive"...