i came home ,..and ya ofcourse shed some tears and got emotional and stuff...
had a peaceful nap...a free nap...an independent nap
got up and had bath, had tea..\
opened my laptop and read that email again and again,...mail from that beauty, that innocuous beauty
zoyathemystery@gmail.com
i replied to that mail
"ok so to attend those buddhist camps u said i should be free soul, free from all my commitments right..??
phase one is complete...
here am i...free from my commitment towards sadhana...
now what remains is commitment to college/studies..and commitment to parents/family...
I promise i will be free from both soon..
so plzz plzzz think again about your decision to not to carry your cancer drugs with u during the camp span...plzz carry them...
you will survive...we will survive...if we live, we will live together...and if we die we will die together...and no worries as u say we will be right up there amongst those shining stars...:).."
i sent this email, closed my laptop and cried like never before
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Friday, September 3, 2010
3 days of perplexity (day2 -part 1)
Same old restaurant same old table ya ya...everything was just same....though i felt bit hollowness in the trivial part of my heart...i took a glance at the surroundings...nothing has changed and nothing will change...i thought
But then my heart started betraying me...i could see her memories everywhere
I told my heart to control itself but as often it would go on to listening its own echo, and i should say probably giving more pain than snake bytes
I needed some painkillers or anaesthesia..but i knew those wouldn’t have any effect on this undefined pain, a pain called love
Love is the only feelings that leaves equal tears and joys...though u will comparatively say happiness, but those tears of joys are completely different...the tears of love are internal...just like internal bleeding, just like a hairline fracture...the effects are prolonged
And as the bliss in love is unexplainable, so is the suffering.. its an unexplainable vicious circle, which is also unpredictable, god this love sucks.......
And i also couldn’t help myself in falling in love,
since no one purposely falls into this pit called love, its a trap
..we unknowingly fall into this pit...a pit having depth of ocean and way out is as high as sky, in other words almost impossible
I was battling between thoughts of my heart and brain just when i saw her glimpse, and i could make out from her facial expressions that she was sad...no flying kiss, no thousand dollar smile, absolutely nothing from her part
She was just sitting there in front of me, we both looking at each other
“are we doing it right na, you accept this rite?? She asked
And i thought this was the time to give my heart a shutdown command, i had to say something, something for her good, she was having problems, and no denial from my part as well
“I think its a right decision, lets try ut, c’mon 3 years , not a long time”...i replied..(whom am i kidding, its almost 300 light years)
“I think we will work it out, and of course 15,000 Vodafone sms scheme and yahoo messenger with video calling is there na”
I tried to get some smile on the otherwise ever smiling face which unsurprisingly today was very pale and dull
Few hugs and kisses followed later, which expectedly were so good yet so dreary
But it was going in the right direction (at list i thought so)
”just want to hold u and say nothing, just want to feel your heartbeat for me,...for the last time”
God ,She was romantic...i liked her for that...those romantic lines had always been my weak points...but today it was different...that last statement “for the last time” ruined every possible excitement in my heart
I wanted to say how you will be able to hear my heart beat since we have already killed my heart “mutually”
But i held my nerves and said
“i can hold u forever and my heartbeat will always say those three words
“i love sadhana, i love sadhana, i love sadhana..........”
" ohh gaurav.." she said and kissed me...the final kiss, ...and that was it ...she left, and i was stranded there trying to catch hold of her shadow which was never mine...
So finally it all had ended..on a good note rather...or that is how i was going to portray it to everyone ..”mutually”
Just 12 days before we were about to celebrate our 3 years relationship...it had ended...
India was about to celebrate its 63 years of independence, well i had got my independence 12 days before...and i was in certainly not in a celebration mood
But then my heart started betraying me...i could see her memories everywhere
I told my heart to control itself but as often it would go on to listening its own echo, and i should say probably giving more pain than snake bytes
I needed some painkillers or anaesthesia..but i knew those wouldn’t have any effect on this undefined pain, a pain called love
Love is the only feelings that leaves equal tears and joys...though u will comparatively say happiness, but those tears of joys are completely different...the tears of love are internal...just like internal bleeding, just like a hairline fracture...the effects are prolonged
And as the bliss in love is unexplainable, so is the suffering.. its an unexplainable vicious circle, which is also unpredictable, god this love sucks.......
And i also couldn’t help myself in falling in love,
since no one purposely falls into this pit called love, its a trap
..we unknowingly fall into this pit...a pit having depth of ocean and way out is as high as sky, in other words almost impossible
I was battling between thoughts of my heart and brain just when i saw her glimpse, and i could make out from her facial expressions that she was sad...no flying kiss, no thousand dollar smile, absolutely nothing from her part
She was just sitting there in front of me, we both looking at each other
“are we doing it right na, you accept this rite?? She asked
And i thought this was the time to give my heart a shutdown command, i had to say something, something for her good, she was having problems, and no denial from my part as well
“I think its a right decision, lets try ut, c’mon 3 years , not a long time”...i replied..(whom am i kidding, its almost 300 light years)
“I think we will work it out, and of course 15,000 Vodafone sms scheme and yahoo messenger with video calling is there na”
I tried to get some smile on the otherwise ever smiling face which unsurprisingly today was very pale and dull
Few hugs and kisses followed later, which expectedly were so good yet so dreary
But it was going in the right direction (at list i thought so)
”just want to hold u and say nothing, just want to feel your heartbeat for me,...for the last time”
God ,She was romantic...i liked her for that...those romantic lines had always been my weak points...but today it was different...that last statement “for the last time” ruined every possible excitement in my heart
I wanted to say how you will be able to hear my heart beat since we have already killed my heart “mutually”
But i held my nerves and said
“i can hold u forever and my heartbeat will always say those three words
“i love sadhana, i love sadhana, i love sadhana..........”
" ohh gaurav.." she said and kissed me...the final kiss, ...and that was it ...she left, and i was stranded there trying to catch hold of her shadow which was never mine...
So finally it all had ended..on a good note rather...or that is how i was going to portray it to everyone ..”mutually”
Just 12 days before we were about to celebrate our 3 years relationship...it had ended...
India was about to celebrate its 63 years of independence, well i had got my independence 12 days before...and i was in certainly not in a celebration mood
Thursday, September 2, 2010
3 days of perplexity (day 1- part 2)
More 15 minutes gone and we were sitting on that same old bench below that same old banyan tree facing that same old lake..
She towards the right side of the bench, and me towards the left...Why?..well because towards the left there was a garbage bin at the side of the bench and ms perfect as she was. She wanted everything regarding her to be perfect
“gaurav”...she sighed, her voice sounded bit serious
“hmm”...i couldn’t say more, my brain had faced blackout
Witty gaurav couldn’t site a single sentence or even a word to say on his brains “blackboard”
It was all so black, it was in darkness and i dint have any matchstick/lighter to lit up, i was a non- smoker and so was my brain...we couldn’t find any way out of this darkness with a matchstick and couldn’t make it more worse with some smoke...in one word my brain was getting demented and needless to say, so was i
After a brief pause she finally spoke
“this is not how things were planned by us, we never expected to reach such a stage , i mean ya...the fights and all are common in any relationships but this everything is getting too much, and more importantly ya.. “its affecting our careers””
She continued
“what about our promises to set our careers on our own...do you think we even stand a little chance of getting placed??
What about our promises to never get involved into family import-export business”??
Gaurav, seriously where do you see yourself in next 3 years??”
She went on...”i have asked the same question to myself and i see myself screwed with poor academics and baffled love life both at the same time ,
We have been together right from the college life, though we have been distantly separated and far apart, we have always made it a point to be in touch over phone, yahoo and apparently have gone through extravengas to meet whenever possible, but since my mom-dad have found out about us, i have found myself restricted and questioned throughout, i have found lying very difficult...”
I was listening to all this with my ears and brain back into senses...i had turned off my heart for the very fact that i knew if it starts overpowering my brain than it could be all different story all together., and i dint want to lose any chance to make her feel better
I can say foolishly yet unerringly that my ears were wide open and her every words and sentences going through my ears like arrows and piercing my heart, which of course was lifeless
And it was unbelievable that still it was hurting, but it was ok since most part of that hurt was due to self realisation and not self obsession....that was the good thing
“sadhana...i think we shuould take a break from all this, not a break up, but a break till we set our careers”...i said it so spontaneously that i myself dint realise at that very moment
But soon i felt it right, i had to say this, or rather i wanted to but still a little part of my single cell heart said “ i hate to say this”
I couldn’t c her misery, at one point even mine...
“i guess we should” she replied with a trembling voice
I tried to kiss away her tears unknowingly and alas!...she was actually crying..
Though it was no surprise for me, because whenever she was crying in pune , i used to get disturbed in goa...dont consider it hypothetic its true story!
Such was our connection...
We decided to meet next day for proper discussion...
I came home n dozed off, got up when my mom called for dinner, checked my cell
“hey hws ur fever now???” text from sunita (another ms sarcasm queen i guess)
I replied her in rather satirical way , god knows if she hated me for that, but i never gave up texting her that way
I told her sadhana was in goa, and i had to meet her for some “serious discussion”
Again the future story was untold to her as with rowen and Vicky
But again i myself feel very awkward to share problems by removing topics all by myself because its a reality that everyone has his own share of problem, and theirs must have been more worse than mine, and i cannot deny the very possibility that they feel the same...owing to this we friends never discussed anything about our problems in details...
But eventually i ended up voluntarily( ya rather for my own self-satisfaction) disclosing ‘almost’ all the facts about me...that was later..
but As of now day 1 had ended on a confusing note, every stone carrying my future remained unperturbed , with me still baffled about everything...and of course without any clue as to what my destiny holds in stake for me the following day...
I decided to let go with thoughts , since today there had been so many and since my heart was turned off for the most part ,my brain had to take the full load of those cracked thoughts....i decided to give my brain some rest...
She towards the right side of the bench, and me towards the left...Why?..well because towards the left there was a garbage bin at the side of the bench and ms perfect as she was. She wanted everything regarding her to be perfect
“gaurav”...she sighed, her voice sounded bit serious
“hmm”...i couldn’t say more, my brain had faced blackout
Witty gaurav couldn’t site a single sentence or even a word to say on his brains “blackboard”
It was all so black, it was in darkness and i dint have any matchstick/lighter to lit up, i was a non- smoker and so was my brain...we couldn’t find any way out of this darkness with a matchstick and couldn’t make it more worse with some smoke...in one word my brain was getting demented and needless to say, so was i
After a brief pause she finally spoke
“this is not how things were planned by us, we never expected to reach such a stage , i mean ya...the fights and all are common in any relationships but this everything is getting too much, and more importantly ya.. “its affecting our careers””
She continued
“what about our promises to set our careers on our own...do you think we even stand a little chance of getting placed??
What about our promises to never get involved into family import-export business”??
Gaurav, seriously where do you see yourself in next 3 years??”
She went on...”i have asked the same question to myself and i see myself screwed with poor academics and baffled love life both at the same time ,
We have been together right from the college life, though we have been distantly separated and far apart, we have always made it a point to be in touch over phone, yahoo and apparently have gone through extravengas to meet whenever possible, but since my mom-dad have found out about us, i have found myself restricted and questioned throughout, i have found lying very difficult...”
I was listening to all this with my ears and brain back into senses...i had turned off my heart for the very fact that i knew if it starts overpowering my brain than it could be all different story all together., and i dint want to lose any chance to make her feel better
I can say foolishly yet unerringly that my ears were wide open and her every words and sentences going through my ears like arrows and piercing my heart, which of course was lifeless
And it was unbelievable that still it was hurting, but it was ok since most part of that hurt was due to self realisation and not self obsession....that was the good thing
“sadhana...i think we shuould take a break from all this, not a break up, but a break till we set our careers”...i said it so spontaneously that i myself dint realise at that very moment
But soon i felt it right, i had to say this, or rather i wanted to but still a little part of my single cell heart said “ i hate to say this”
I couldn’t c her misery, at one point even mine...
“i guess we should” she replied with a trembling voice
I tried to kiss away her tears unknowingly and alas!...she was actually crying..
Though it was no surprise for me, because whenever she was crying in pune , i used to get disturbed in goa...dont consider it hypothetic its true story!
Such was our connection...
We decided to meet next day for proper discussion...
I came home n dozed off, got up when my mom called for dinner, checked my cell
“hey hws ur fever now???” text from sunita (another ms sarcasm queen i guess)
I replied her in rather satirical way , god knows if she hated me for that, but i never gave up texting her that way
I told her sadhana was in goa, and i had to meet her for some “serious discussion”
Again the future story was untold to her as with rowen and Vicky
But again i myself feel very awkward to share problems by removing topics all by myself because its a reality that everyone has his own share of problem, and theirs must have been more worse than mine, and i cannot deny the very possibility that they feel the same...owing to this we friends never discussed anything about our problems in details...
But eventually i ended up voluntarily( ya rather for my own self-satisfaction) disclosing ‘almost’ all the facts about me...that was later..
but As of now day 1 had ended on a confusing note, every stone carrying my future remained unperturbed , with me still baffled about everything...and of course without any clue as to what my destiny holds in stake for me the following day...
I decided to let go with thoughts , since today there had been so many and since my heart was turned off for the most part ,my brain had to take the full load of those cracked thoughts....i decided to give my brain some rest...
3 days of perplexity (day 1 - part 1)
“hey m nt coming 2 colg today...gtg sumwer...vl tell u later”.. i texted rowen and Vicky
Ofcuz they would be in a state of dilemma as usual, as to where i go and what work i get which i tell them “i will explain everything in details” and never bother to explain them
but i was helpless...whether its bout sadhana or the call tracing and spokentwitter project, nothing was going fine...but i wasn’t loosing “interest” in either..
and te former matter was getting too complicated because of the entry of that mysterious beauty and deteriorating family relations
i reached half an hour late..she was waiting at our same old lakeside restaurant, same table (the one facing towards the lake obviously) same chair(because from there she could get a better view of that spot where ducks were often seen)
and i, well i had to sit in the opposite direction (ofcourse i wudnt mind...because who wants to see the “beauty” of lake when beautiful girl is in the opposite direction, and clearly her beauty was exemplary compared to that smudged lake and hideous ducklings)
i looked at her...calm and composed, looking at the clam water in that lake...but infact it was opposite...even the sea water is more calm as compared to her nature...or did she changed...i was meeting her after almost two months...and these days people change so fast that this possibility
cannot be discarded..
she saw me and sent a flying kiss towards me...hell no! She would never change..even the whole world changes she would remain the same...the same careless- free bird..
“haircut ha, yuk...i dnt like it...trimmed it so short ya..” she screamed at me..
“mom told me to cut it very short ya...and long hairs were looking messy it seems”..i replied
“i don’t understand what problem moms have about their sons sporting long hairs” she
“the same kind of problem what dads have about their daughters wearing mini skirt” i said
“c’mon ma dad is very cool, very free and supportive na”...innocent statement
“yaa i know ....”very good” ... sarcastic statement , dragged last two words to give extra sarcasm...god y i did that..she would surely get it..after all she is ms. Sarcasm queen..
And as expected she got my sarcasm rite
“y u always talk about my dad that way, that dubai tender spat is shyam uncles fault, not ma dads...and im adamant about it” she said angrily...
“c’mon i hav every rite to hate my gf’s dad...its normal”..I tried to neutralise though i knew storm had already began...
“no its abnormal, and i don’t want it to be this way, m not like u ..i care about my mom-dad a lot“..she replied
“hey hey...wait a sec...what u mean by m not like u”...by that tym i had lost it
This discussion (along with some other arguable topics) went on for around half an hour, meantime we (or rather i would say she) ordered and ate also about which i seriously cant remember a thing..
And as you all might have noticed the normal “hi baby”, “hey sweetheart” and other such “couply” words were long lost, and were replaced by abnormal “hey” and “hi”...
Its like those lovely words had already broken up and moved on with their life and now they were replaced by single words like “liar” “careless”
That was the sign how it was all deteriorating along with time....
Ofcuz they would be in a state of dilemma as usual, as to where i go and what work i get which i tell them “i will explain everything in details” and never bother to explain them
but i was helpless...whether its bout sadhana or the call tracing and spokentwitter project, nothing was going fine...but i wasn’t loosing “interest” in either..
and te former matter was getting too complicated because of the entry of that mysterious beauty and deteriorating family relations
i reached half an hour late..she was waiting at our same old lakeside restaurant, same table (the one facing towards the lake obviously) same chair(because from there she could get a better view of that spot where ducks were often seen)
and i, well i had to sit in the opposite direction (ofcourse i wudnt mind...because who wants to see the “beauty” of lake when beautiful girl is in the opposite direction, and clearly her beauty was exemplary compared to that smudged lake and hideous ducklings)
i looked at her...calm and composed, looking at the clam water in that lake...but infact it was opposite...even the sea water is more calm as compared to her nature...or did she changed...i was meeting her after almost two months...and these days people change so fast that this possibility
cannot be discarded..
she saw me and sent a flying kiss towards me...hell no! She would never change..even the whole world changes she would remain the same...the same careless- free bird..
“haircut ha, yuk...i dnt like it...trimmed it so short ya..” she screamed at me..
“mom told me to cut it very short ya...and long hairs were looking messy it seems”..i replied
“i don’t understand what problem moms have about their sons sporting long hairs” she
“the same kind of problem what dads have about their daughters wearing mini skirt” i said
“c’mon ma dad is very cool, very free and supportive na”...innocent statement
“yaa i know ....”very good” ... sarcastic statement , dragged last two words to give extra sarcasm...god y i did that..she would surely get it..after all she is ms. Sarcasm queen..
And as expected she got my sarcasm rite
“y u always talk about my dad that way, that dubai tender spat is shyam uncles fault, not ma dads...and im adamant about it” she said angrily...
“c’mon i hav every rite to hate my gf’s dad...its normal”..I tried to neutralise though i knew storm had already began...
“no its abnormal, and i don’t want it to be this way, m not like u ..i care about my mom-dad a lot“..she replied
“hey hey...wait a sec...what u mean by m not like u”...by that tym i had lost it
This discussion (along with some other arguable topics) went on for around half an hour, meantime we (or rather i would say she) ordered and ate also about which i seriously cant remember a thing..
And as you all might have noticed the normal “hi baby”, “hey sweetheart” and other such “couply” words were long lost, and were replaced by abnormal “hey” and “hi”...
Its like those lovely words had already broken up and moved on with their life and now they were replaced by single words like “liar” “careless”
That was the sign how it was all deteriorating along with time....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)