…Of wasted 2018, new beginnings and her “coin”
Laptop in my lap, coffee and balcony – I don’t remember the
last time I did this with my usual lengthy write-up habits going for a toss
this year.
But today, I find myself doing exactly the same; the time is
8pm and the place however is – my office balcony.
Ironically, my thoughts are being confined to the last
night’s conversation in her balcony.
---
“To September 3rd…” Maira raised a toast.
The rolled joint remained lit while her whiskey and my vodka
glasses clinked for what would be our last party together, at least for another
year or even more.
“September 3rd” I whispered sounding low and
dejected at the turn of events.
“Are you not happy for me?” She asked taking a long
drag. “Ooo, this is the finest stuff I
have smoked here in Pune” She whispered before I could respond anything.
I gulped down my own words. There was a silence for few
seconds as we both made sure the joint was totally consumed; and so did our
bodies.
“I am…Happy for you” I looked at her. “But a little sad as
well, for me personally, and also for you not being there for me, for guidance”
“Oh come on! I am there for you, always dude” She put an arm
around me. And I rested my head on her shoulder. We both kept staring outside
as the cool wind blew and rain drizzled, more like sprinkling water. “I love
Pune rains” She broke the pause. “…And yet you are leaving” I replied and saw her push me “Stop being so whiny”.
Raul , Nitin and Rasika had long gone to sleep. “We all will
come to drop Maira at the airport” they had cheered when she announced she was
leaving India tonight. It was only me who cut a sad figure and it’s only me who
sat beside her as the clock struck 2 am.
“I am strong and responsible person with the whole world…once
in a blue moon, let me whine”
“Once in a blue moon, you are always cranky and whiny with
me” She chuckled. “Fire up another joint will you?”
“Nop, you have a flight to catch”.
“Just one….” She pleaded and I refused to grant her wish.
She sat looking at the black sky, there were no stars; everybody was
disappearing on me.
She was thinking something and I was thinking something but
we were both devouring our thoughts and voice before it could come out.
“Take good care of yourself, will you?” she finally spoke,
resting her palm on my thigh, not looking towards me. I looked at her face; she
was staring ahead in the blackness and the dim city lights.
“I don’t know…2018 has been such a bad year” “I understand”
“I mean, it started really well but there is so much wait
and delay with everything that I feel frustrated just about - everyday”
“Do not worry about the book” She got one of the reasons why
I was so dazed and confused these days. “It will come out at the right time,
have patience. Also, yours is traditional publishing, it takes more than a
year. Plus, you know how hard it is for new authors to get published
traditionally these days”
I nodded understandingly. “Yeah…Also, it became a trilogy,
two more books” I smiled.
“See, focus on completing the 2nd book. I am more
excited about the second one. Indo-Pak cyberwar always a hot topic even now”
She chuckled.
“The worst part is because of this contract obligation, I
cannot say yes to another publisher who wants to bring out the stoner’s diary”
“Oh yes, the Viral Blog post of yours, honestly I didn’t
like it” She snorted a laugh.
“You never like my writings anyway” I complained.
“And what happened to that girl?” Maira asked looking at me
sheepishly; suddenly there were bubbles of emotions replacing the air of
sarcasm.
“Oh, it’s complicated” I rolled my eyes.
Maira laughed. It was a great sight-seeing; her laugh.
“Dude, why things are always so complicated with you”
“I don’t know, I am always that guy –waiting to find
himself”
“Well, you will find yourself and your love and everything
that you desire, and you will do this when you start focusing more on writing,
like serious writing. Because nothing but writing defines you” Her voice
possessed compassion. “You have said that before” I replied.
“I know, just, saying it again…focus on things that matter,
stop chasing people who are never going to be yours” she took a pause and
continued “sorry to be blunt about it, but that’s what I feel”
“I will, try to… things hurt, delays hurt, and rejections
hurt, not having someone despite loving that person… hurts”
“Oh shut up!, stop with this hurting already” she stood
up. “It’s time”
I took the lighter from my pocket and lit up the last joint
“what the hell” Her eyes twinkled.
She turned around and hugged me, her head resting on my
chest “God, you have become so thin, resume gym, become that Gautam from 2017,
that focused guy” “Mascular guy” She
winked and I cough-laughed my first drag and passed the joint to her. It’s been
more than 10 years that we have known each other, it’s weird that we never
really dated but went out on numerous dates, it’s weird that we never really
said the “L” word, but kissed under the influence of cold wintery night as we struggled
to sit on the bean bag the first time she visited Pune. We have been through so
many ups and downs, seen each other’s heartbreaks and stood by each other, and
the thought of she leaving the country was making me sad and nostalgic.
She took it smoothly and blew a smoke ring, “yay” I punched
and thought about my messy hair, the loose tshirt and dozed and stoned look in
the office where I stroll lazily like a dead body, I laughed at my own self.
“You know I always thought you will end up like Ted Mosby
from HIMYM, 27 and single and always waiting for “The One”, but after coming to
Pune, you turned into this Hank Moody from Californication”
“Anything” I interrupted.
“No seriously, there are too many similarities, you are a
writer, have been with so many girls that you don’t love , you live alone, you
are stuck writing romantic tiny tales, you drive a dirty car which you never
wash, and you are always stuck with that one girl whom you will never get.
Trust me, in real life, Hank wouldn’t end up with Karen”
“There is no comparison, He drives Porsche, I drive Nexon” I
tried to get the seriousness away from our talks.
“And you are focusing on that? I was trying to say, stop
chasing after that girl, stop chasing your Karen, and find a real love…. Or
maybe don’t , focus on your writings , on your dreams and the right girl will
find you when the time is right” I did
not respond. The love talk was always going to be emotional.
She snorted a laugh again, and spoke convincingly more to
herself than to me. “The point is… You were good when you were Ted Mosby” She
took a pause and smiled for precisely 2 seconds before getting in her serious
groove again “…But , I do not like this Hank Moody version”
“Get your shit together” she hugged me and patted my back
again. “You too, take care of yourself in the unknown country, you not going to
tell me where you are heading right?” I asked and she kept her finger on my
lips.. “shhhhh, let that be a secret”
We took Raul's car "For old memories's sake" she winked and as we proceeded towards the airport she gave me a box containing a coin. “Open it when I leave
and the currency will tell you which country you should visit next” she winked.
“You didn’t travel anywhere this year na, be an avid
traveler like last year” this time she smiled.
I dropped her just outside the airport where I greeted aunt
and wished them a safe journey. As soon as I came back, I opened the box and
checked the coin, I knew from a quick Google search the destination of 4.30 am
flight from Pune airport, the currency just confirmed it.
I came back home but did not sleep, With “de-cluttering" on my
mind, I cleaned the entire flat and removed bottles and threw “the stuff” in the
dustbin, after 8 months of 2018 strolled doing nothing like a potato, it was
finally the time to begin again. Called the gym trainer and inquired about my
subscription. “ofcourse, it is valid sir, till December” he replied
enthusiastically. Reaching the office at 11 am, I kept pondering over the
conversation with Maira, I had shaved but my eyes were still weary.
Whole day I kept thinking about life choices and decisions, I
kept flipping the coin thinking about her, thinking about me, and all the
possibilities to chase the dreams.
I need to understand the lull in my life currently is just
temporary and better things will come, I need to realize that the decisions I
took may not all be right but I need to get on with it, there are certain
things you can’t change.
More importantly I need to focus on the tasks which
currently await me. Complete the remaining 30 percent of the 2nd
book in Hacker’s trilogy; start with the 3rd book. Complete the
stoner’s diary, it possess that power of making people chuckle. Complete the
romance novel which is languishing in “my documents” folder, everybody tells me
that I write romance really well, let the world know. Basically all I got to do
now is write write write.
---
I look at the watchman staring at me from the far corner and
smile at him. Even he must be surprised to see someone sitting in the balcony with
a laptop. Usually people just relax here, and most just talk over the phone as if that's their purpose of coming to office. After 8 pm nobody wishes to sit in
the lonely and empty balcony. But the watchman doesn’t know this lonesome guy is bit
different from the rest. I have the application scan running in the background and surprisingly the Wifi speed is pretty strong here, not to mention the natural
air.
As my customized scanner keeps popping newer vulnerabilities
in the application which I test for security, my life’s questions are getting
answered instantaneously, there was a writer’s block even before I turned a
Writer, and today it is going away.
I am here, writing a lengthy blog post and promising myself to
engross in the second book of my trilogy the moment I reach home.
The last bit of rain has drizzled and there is an air of
freshness, the winter will bring cooler vibes and my brain will emit cooler stories. #Ibelieve.
Aaal Izzz Well !
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