A day of friendship (And an apple)

Last year; this day, i wrote for a few close friends, prior to that i wrote for my parents. There have always been special people for whom i wrote on this special occasion of friendship day, but there was never a special someone for whom i could dedicated-ly write one post for.

 So, it was no wonder that as soon as i sat there in front of my lappy thinking of writing a friendship day poem, my thoughts were inclined on missing someone. To think of it, some gave up on me; some i gave up on. The list was long, nostalgia was too much to handle, “Don’t go in past, don’t call up past” kept shouting my brain. “Give a try, there is more to you, dont be a cold hearted basterd” whispered my heart.

Scrolling through my whatsapp contacts i found familiar names, some without display pics, those who blocked me for different reasons, Am i such a jerk? I found asking myself. Isnt being honest about your feelings the right way to go about love? Some needed lifelong commitments without even being together for a month, some needed me to be with them 24x7, some started with friends with benefits and got so close, there were less benefits/friendships and more emotional fights, some disappeared without trace, some found someone better, some left for no apparent reason; i tried and i failed, but atleast i tried.

Loneliness, the feeling which can make or break your life, make- in a way it prepares you for a span of solitude and sometimes solitude can be bliss, break- it cripples you, depression followed by pangs of anxiety, havent felt that for longer periods since i have moved to pune though and that is a positive.

But tonight, it was different, tonight it was her presence that came like a freshly anticipated smell of mud, like a blossoming flower; like a shining light.

It was an unexpected surprise, i didn’t expect her to be here , it was just a random joke we played and in that joke i found herself seeking reality, I did not remember leaving the door open, i just remembered shutting of the other bedroom’s door, my roomie was long asleep, I had lost the track of time as i got a ring from her waiting outside.

Next thing i knew, we; out on streets in drizzly  rain, chasing light, racing against the time to find closest CCD open, and our luck would have it, we reached just on time, for their last order, A coffee and long ride in cold drizzly rain later, we found ourselves back in my apartment, she wore my black jacket and she looked absolutely gorgeous in it.

“write something for me” she smiled. Behind her smile i saw her eyes twinkling, her dark black hair smooth, let loose; shine through the dim light in my bedroom.

“I can’t” whispering back, i shied away from the obvious excitement.

“Tonight, i will help you write” she winked.  I slapped myself twice to make me believe i wasnt dreaming. I werent.

And so for the next half an hour we found ourselves sitting across each other, in dim light, with me in front of my lappy, backlit keyboard lit to make keys visible, and she sitting in front , opposite end of my writing table resting her chin on a small bridge like structure she had made using her hands and interwined fingers, a bridge i wouldn’t mind riding on. My writing-concentration had really been challenged and it was hard to focus down on laptop keys with she across, especially when her toe kept exploring and fidgiting with my ankles and toes.

It was only then that i noticed what she had worn, a black tank top, covered with my black jacket, the black kohl in her crystal clean eyes spoke volumes of her beauty, the slender shoulder and thin nose had me hooked throughout. The lust in her eyes and luscious lips craved for something more than just my writing.

It was inevitable that i shut laptop after writing just one word.

“pulchritudinous” i spoke softly and she had a wicked smile forming on her face.

“just one word?”

“its the longest word in english dictionary meaning beautiful” I replied.

I could see her smile turning into a wide grin, our faces moved towards each other almost telepathically. Closing our eyes, we kissed for just about 30 seconds, Yeah, i am the guy that keeps time of about everything. We laughed while seated at the table looking into ech other’s eyes. Her cold lips tasted of warm coffee and sugar, lots n lots of sugar.

“Happy friendship day”  She whispered, looking at the watch. It was  1 am, “Sorry for the late wishes” she winked.

“Oh! So that kiss was a friendly-kiss?” I asked and spotted her blushing.

“yeah, i was just burning my calories” she winked.

“oh! So what am I? Your calorie burning machine?” to which she nodded so cutely that i wanted to kiss her again. She sensed the feeling and put her finger on my lips shaking her head slowly in the process making tiny eyes, anticipatory smile on her face. “patience my lion”

She continued. “Tonight, we will just talk, you say one thing, i will say another....”

“ And who knows maybe next thing we know, we would want to spend the rest of our lives in the middle of that conversation” I quipped in and saw her face lit up. She looked like a Van gough painting, A starry night.

We both complained of not being sleepy and out we went, in balcony, the drizzly rain was turning into a more thunderous shower;I knew she is afraid of lightening and was hoping it strikes frightening her in the process ; resulting in me getting a hug, but universe is a bitch, it just kept raining heavily, thick droplets hitting our faces, she complaining of neck pain and me giving her a tantric neck massage i learned during my one month in vipasana. That seemed to sooth her down as we sat there in balcony and spoke about life and philosophies, talking philosophy, Game of thrones , and playing game of wits has always been our forte.

Back in the bedroom we watched F.R.I.E.N.D s episodes on repeat, that was our small little way of celebrating the whole “friendship night” thing.

It was 3.30 am. “I am hungry” she complained. A small tip for guys, you might not get to hear those 3 letter words “i love u” from your special friend often, but you will definitely get to hear these 3 words “I am hungry”, it can come out of a girl’s mouth anytime anywhere, so always be prepared.

I had few apples, we went out in the kitchen and she got a first bite of one apple, that made her lips look even more sweet, her white teeth shining in the dark.

And that was it, that was the moment, a second kiss was waiting, i remember she telling me about her kitchen fetish, and as soon as she was done with another large bite of apple; i turned her around , made her sit on kitchen shelf, holding her face in my palm, i kissed fiercely, she reacted even more roughly, almost biting my lower lip in the process, i could sense a drop of blood falling on my tshirt collar; realizing her fiery i decided to lower my head onto her neck, sliding her tshirt and bra strap down my lips dug beneath her face onto her neck. Dragging my lips from her neck to her earlobe and biting it softly i whispered “ Do you know I am a vampire?”  “uh-huh” she moaned.

“I dont bite to sip blood, i just bite softly” I cracked my lame sentence which didnt come out right ; neverthless giving her hicky in the process, my love bites marked my territory all over her neck and further below.

She had me pinned and locked my hips with her legs; i had my nose on hers and my lips exploring her innately beautiful face.

“shouldnt we take this inside?” she whispered as soon as we heard noise coming from other bedroom.

What happened next was something which is beyond the scope of any blog i am writing or i will ever write and a gentleman never discusses his bedroom life anyway.

All i remember next is waking at 7 am, with she in my arms; her warm breath over my neck ; her head rested on my left hand which was numb, a thought to shift her head a little, crossed my mind, but i chucked it, lest she wakes up.
_________________________________________________________________________________

I wake up again, its 12 and there is no-one hugging me, just a formulation of my blanket, If blankets ever had faces it would be “wtf dude” kind of face right now, i feel embarrassed, quickly i come out of room and check out the other bedroom, my roomie happily snoring, i find myself at the kitchen table.

I find no one in bathroom or balcony, kitchen. She is gone, or so i hope, perhaps she was never here, was i dreaming? Have i been smoking a lot of this crazy stuff which my friend gave me from goa?
No no , i didn’t even touch it.

My jacket is on the chair, lying lifelessly as if its never been used for days. She kept it back there maybe, before sneaking out. Maybe.

I am brushing looking myself in the mirror and there’s not even a single evidence of lip bite, it healed quickly perhaps, lip cuts do.

I smile at myself, Did it all just happened? Or was i too stoned and delusional. I always wanted to write one novel with an ambiguous ending, So maybe i got a dream of it. what kind of sorcery is this? I laugh it off.

“were you here last night?” i text her.   “Lol, no” she replies with a wink.  I dont know what to make of it now.

Surprised and not remembering a thing i end up writing a story on my blog, a story about a single guy describing his weirdly erotic dream (reality?) about which he doesnt remember a thing apparently. I don’t miss that special friend anymore , I have my blog; my friend who is always there for me, a friend who gives me a stage to extrapolate my thoughts; I type out most of the things, it is ofcourse, my story to tell.


The half eaten apple at the dinner table winks at me, it has a different story to tell. ;) 

Kya Actor-giri hain

Another month; another "wicket" goes down.
And as the tradition which has started with chloe's departure from Quick Heal, here I am, writing a post for the the one who's going.

This time , its you Vishal, I always somehow knew, you would be the one lined up sooner rather than later, but now that you are going, there will be a void, which will be hard to fill in.

Throughout my two years and more, you have cut an enthusiastic figure like no one else, be it taking responsibility for something or making fun of something/someone, you have always been a lead figure at it.

This blogpost is dedicated to you brother. Today as you spoke about all of us, we sat there and heard, the emotions with which you spoke and the care and attachment in your voice for all of us seemed so genuine. Behind the reactive and happy go lucky face there's a hidden gem of a person who is so caring and kind. Behind the tough guy there's a soft soul which makes you an incredibly awesome person and a much better friend to have.

Tomorrow you have called us all for party. The kind of party where a bunch of guys meet and have a drink together. you know me, this is the kind of party I have always avoided with you guys. Occasional clubbing and a sip of wine with someone special for a dine, that's the only kind of drinking I am accustomed to, or maybe in a sports bar watching a game with friends with a pint of beer, just for company.

But tomorrow, i will be there, even if i have to go early, i will just visit you, just to keep your word mind you, only a light breezer probably, and for the selfish me this is a big ask, but you are one person I would really be willing to do that, compromise my weekend plans just for one sip of cold breezer, considering today was your last day in Quick Heal. :P

Its only when someone leaves, you unknowingly realise how big their importance is, you will be missed sorely, for all the laughter we shared and all the memories we created.

In this blog post, I have tried to sum up few glaring points which will be missed. and also ,  i asked others to share a dialogue or memory of you, surprised to know there were many , I have included that in the end.

1) HAPPY GO LUCKY, Always.

Well, i remember the day we first met, you and vikram were the first people to take me up on terrace for lunch , you were my first team mate , even though i worked only for a month in scan engine.
Even then , i remember you trying to make up plans, organise a group picnic (something which remained pending still). During the days of "Vision mission", it was always you, who used to monitor and take up responsibility to find and make someone say it, mostly to make fun of him/her.
This happy nature of yours and habit of yours to take initiative for celebrating birthdays or decorating desks are currently being missed on our floor since the time you shifted, but now, it will be almost non existent, that energy and the constant nagging to get these things done.

2) Fish Curry Rice.

Okay, i had to include this. You are probably the only non goan whom i have met in my life, who has gone 5 days straight on "fish curry rice and kings" diet. Even on the last day when i myself being a goan got tired of fish, you said "no no, fish curry and beer" , that is such an unique aspect of yours which makes me respect you even more, yeah i am biased towards sea food lovers, but seriously, this was too much. Also the time spent in goa was so much fun with you in it, you took up responsibility of driving one car without being fatigued and despite drinking so much; I could drive other and also manage routes, would have been harder without you, kudos to your stamina.

3)  Discussions at the lunch table, especially Marathi-Hindi.

This point almost everyone will agree, lunch table discussions will never be so fun without you in it, and by going away you are taking that big chunk of fun excitement and healthy laughter from most of us. Ofcourse that targets always used to neha, shikha, but even the discussions where there were no targets, you used to make it very interesting, be it the topic of conjuring or any other movie, current affairs your way of putting those matters in front of everyone with energetic laughter was so infectious, it used to make all the others laugh as well. And ofcourse, how will we forget your unique marathi-hindi combo dialogues. This has appeared number 3 on my list, but trust me, as the time passes, this will be the most missed thing, like i mentioned earlier, lunch table will miss that enthusiastic and effervescent presence of yours.

4) Star of the party.

When someone wants to have a happening party or happening moment, you are always the one to call upon. you know how to enjoy life to the fullest, and your ability to get drunk and more importantly get others drunk will be one that's gonna lack now in future QH parties. I have never seen anyone have so much emphasis on drinking and making others drink so much. In goa we drank five different types of drinks on 5 different days and it was all down to your persuading, and the champagne on your birthday was like a cherry on the cake, hell ya, you even got the girls drinking.

5) Always there for company.

So far i have mentioned all happy nature of yours, but there is always more to you than that, when i need someone to go down for snacks with, there were times i have called you up, and despite not really wanting anything to eat or smoke, you have come down with me just for company. that has happened quite a lot. Be it getting cake for someone's birthday when you were on our floor, getting gifts for kids during our orphanage visits or getting a biryani for our terrace parties, you have always been there for a company, your reliable friendship and availability is something that will be sorely felt upon now that i/ we are devoid of it in Quick Heal.


There will always be more points but rather than making this post lengthy with my own blabbering, i will put up dialogues which others will miss about you .

Sagar :  He says he will miss the famous dialogue of yours "don't expect anything from anyone, just keep hopes"  , he also hates you for advising him to ask "did i get selected?" for some company , he was badly fired upon. Also the time when HR mailed everyone from our floor and only you from 4th.

Vikram:  "mere shooters sab jagah hain" . He hopes to get information from you even if you wont be in QH anymore. But he also thinks you are admin of faking news.

Ketan: "Manual testing ka aage kuch future nahi hain, automation karo"   and also start up waala dialogue, he wishes to be TL in your startup.

Neha: She wants to do that "chipak chipak ke dance " or whatever the hell you meant that time. Also going to miss your "kay maaj ahe" and "aankhon mein toch gaya" dialogue of yours.

Mansi: She is going to miss lunch table waala discussion the most apparently. yeah right even she enjoyed when you took cases of shikha and neha, mansi is evil that way :P :D

Jayant: Jayant has a big list of things he will miss about you , He remembers the time when you joined gym first time, you ate biscuits with hands so wide, you needed so much space, then the time when you went to cricket practice and faced hemant's ball :P   the funniest dialogue is "woh sunke mein beshud ho gaya".

Vaibhav: He also thinks you are admin of faking news, your credibility took  hit man. He adds that your body is full of steroids.

Vishal A: He is going to miss your dance the most and then he laughs as always.

Shalu : She remembers your dialogue. "mein to pet gaya" and "tension leneka nahi deneka"

Pooja: She says in your tone " I like to take revenge" and then she acts devilish with thin eyes.

Ajinkya : Your most famous and widely used dialogue "kya faltugiri hain"  We will have to hear it from ajinkya now. Also, "iska career block"

Rohit: he remembers the eternal dialogue of yours "Bhai, teri toh waat lag gayi"


Just the vast dialogue repository itself shows how big part you have become of everyone here at QH and even though you move on, we wish to cherish these memories for a long time , and also wish to have more and more, like you said "pune mein hi hun...." ;)

And hopefully, like you said, sabke acche din chale idhar and sabke acche din aaye kidar.

Hoping every one follows your advice of "do well" , especially few names you mentioned again :D

I am ending this post here now, but we will definitely be in touch, Definitely adding you on linkedin and surely we will go on to have more trips like Goa.

Best of Luck, you too "Do well" ;)

Be an Actor there, like nawazuddin, don't be a villain or Hero. Finally the life is all about camouflaging wherever you go, excess of anything is bad, including drinking n smoking, so reduce that :P

Take care.

Adios buddy!!

+h3 3nD

Tick tick tick..  

Do you Hear the clock ticking? Slow ticking? my grandfather’s old clock hung over the wall, alive with a slow beating heart beat - Tick tick tick ; While the mechanical gears inside slide over each other making grizzly noise. 

The air is filled with vibrations ; next moment there are echoes of chiming , the first chime voice pierces into my skull. 

Blood; is it blood clotting inside my head? 

Second chime; a step lower but still eerie. 

With the third chime, I could feel an explosion in my head, followed by numbness and darkness.  

All this is happening when my eyes are closed. 

When i open them, i see light, a bright translucent, flickering light emitting from my monitor screen, there is no clock, there is no explosion, there is no ticking sound. 

Human mind is a weirdly constructed conundrum, it makes you believe things which are non existent , it makes you forget what exist, sometimes your own existence. 

I exist, my computer exist. And the constructed code exists. 

Facing the reality is the hardest thing a man can ever do, I am facing it now.

One command, one “enter” key and its all over. Everything ends here, today, tonight. Tomorrow will be a new day; a new beginning, a new start.

Chaos, I am seeing chaos, People running around in their white cloths, screaming, a midst the rallying cries i spot Him; $@M 

He looks into my eyes “Is that all you want? Is that all you were waiting for? Is this the purpose of your life? Is this the only purpose of my existence?” 

Questions; questions i cannot answer; questions i don’t want to answer; questions i don’t know how to answer. 

I stare at him blankly as he keeps blurting out things, trying to make sense of it all. 

Chaos, chaos is just one command away. 

I close my eyes, i feel them gaze away, feel the eye balls rolling. 

When i open them, i see myself drowning, among all the blue bodies, pale blue, they are floating aimlessly, lifeless. 

Am i the only survivor?  There’s K!LL3R. 

I spot him, he is floating too, floating towards me, his eyes are open but they don’t move, his lips are not blue;  they don’t move, i could feel him breathing, his nostrils shrinking, and bubbles forming in the water. 

Oxygen, Air, Na2co3.

We are sitting on a submerged submarine. 

“We are dying” he whispers, “I know” i reply back. 

“Go ahead, kill us all” He winks and takes a leap as if he is jumping into a swimming pool; swimming away farthest. Far and out.

I open my eyes again, I am having a panic attack. Clock is ticking again. My computer monitor is still bright, I can actually see the rays coming out of it , ray of hope perhaps? 

I take the pills and gulp them down through my throat, almost emptying a 500 ml bottle of coke with it. 

Coughing instantly i decide-  not to ever take coke with my pills, but then who am i to decide everything again?  

Chemicals, blue lips , smoke, methyl hydrate , I am starting to see things again. 

I am not going to close my eyes, i shouldn’t close my eyes, i wont close my eyes. 

Tick tick tick. 

Its a time bomb, its an explosion waiting to happen. 

“hello, old friend”  And that voice again. I know that voice. 

“Go away” I shout back, without even turning. 

“Look at me, we are so close.…. don’t fuck this up now” He has a rhetoric voice. 

I look at him, that same old mischievous smile, that same grouchy look on his face, the robustness, the hatred is still persistent throughout his existence, but there is a persuasive side to him which i never noticed before. 

“I am not doing it, people are going to die”  I shrug off his attention and take a step back from my computer chair. 

“It has to happen” there is cruelness in his eyes now, He grabs me by my arms “no turning back now”

I repel, pushing him towards the wall, holding him by his throat, he doesn’t fight back, He looks at me and laughs, i start feeling a wincing pain, i leave him, my eyes roll on top and there, that clock again, ticking.  

Next moment i am down on the floor, suffocated, grasping for breath. 

He laughs “you have to do it, you will do it, you are a password to this whole encryption” 

“Trust me, old friend, you are the key to the whole thing” He speaks further in somewhat assured voice,and walks out. 

whispering something and shutting the door behind him, loudly with a thud.

Soon, i find myself whispering.

Clock is on the wall again, tick tick tick, the timer running, i am running out of time. 

The first chime voice, piercing in my guts, blood clotting again..

Is it happening?  Am i losing it further? 

It cant happen, it wont happen. 

Is this the beginning ?  

Of course it is. 

I remember now, I remember it all, everything. 

This is how it begins, and this is how it ends. 

I find myself walking towards the computer almost mechanically, and typing out the commands like a robot programmed to do so.

Username: root

Password: toor

Gnome: project\world\selfdestruct.py

Execute. 

Tick tick tick.. 

This is the beginning, the beginning of the end. 

F!ng3R pR!n+s

I saw her. I looked at her.
She saw me; those eyes, I saw them looking at me. Did she recognize me?
Why I tried to hide myself from her?
What crime have I committed?  Or is it just that I am running away?   Running away from myself; running away from her; running away from everyone.
Why have I come here?   I shouldn't have.
 

I should have stayed right back there, in the dorm, where the world of warcraft is still a game.
Where guys and girls sweat themselves in gym, where ideas converge where people are scared and where love disguises into a monstrous committed alley, a blind alley.

What did I just say? Am I making any sense?

I am not good here, I don’t belong here. I belong where my machines are, where my code is.
Two years; I have lived by a code and I can’t throw it all in a momentary lapse. I need to get away from here.
 

I am feeling low already, blood palpating, rushing through all my veins, the pain of heart is the worst kind of drugs. Morphine, cocaine, hashish oh boy! I have tried everything. But this drug of heart makes me numb. I breathe heavy.

"Nani" I enter inside the house calling my Granny. It’ roughly been 5 hours since I am here; In my hometown, and I already feel like getting away from this place.
"I need to leave"
 

"But, you have just arrived here." she replies. I feel a hint of wincing and sadness in her voice.
"Yes. I just need to get that thing ...my leaves, there is this urgent work" I stutter, stammer and look at her. I have always been good at lying, super good I must say. But there is always one person in this world with whom you can’t be dishonest. For me, it’s her.

 
I look at her face turning pale blue, sadness visible. One thing she has realized over the years though is to accept my words freely and never bother forcing me, she knows I won’t listen.

 I pack my bags and go to washroom; turning on the tap I listen to water whooshing.

 
I look into the mirror, I see a different image; a portrait of a different guy, He is clean shaven; he has almost zero facial hair. His face muscles glow like a spear fish, cheekbones perfectly in place. 
His hair, neatly ruffled.
I walk back a little and spot his perfect biceps, his broad shoulders, he is smiling, he really is, even though I am not.
I see his eyes, clean as lake water, deep, the number of girls drowned only in them.
I splash water on my face, and I see him get wet, his hair curls, shining.
I touch my hair, I am losing, I have lost them, I am getting bald from the side.
Closing my eyes and opening them again, makes the mirror in front of me stutter, thunder; as if some butterfly effect taking place, I hear noises, screeching echoes, my ears bursting with the sound.

 
I close my eyes again and I see that handsome guy from mirror walking in his father’s bedroom and I see him wearing a sherwani. in the background there are people laughing, and he walks in the bedroom and he sees those eyes; those exact eyes; those light blue eyes look at him there is no mercy in them, she is on top of one guy, "Rahul" he screams, "I am sorry , it’s just…"

Next, it’s not clearly visible, between the dwindling light I spot that guy lay broken; angered and crashing a mirror.
 

I do the same; feeling the blood on my fingers.
 

When the mirror is broken I look down upon the pieces, and I see the guy in them, he looks familiar, he looks old in some broken pieces, he looks young in some.
He looks exactly like me, albeit two years ago.

This was yesterday, or today, I don’t know, I don’t remember. All I remember now, all I can see now is  Its 1 am, and my Nani always says , when its 1 am, just go to sleep, nothing good happens after 1 am, but oh so sweet Nani, how do I make you understand, everything good happens after 1 am in the world I live in. It’s in every hacker’s genes to stay awake and alive after 1 am. Like how M@dR1 would put it “The first rule of being a hacker is, you don’t sleep”

I would try and sleep, not sleep, try to sleep, but today, it’s not possible. Today it’s the first major tasked linked to next subsequent ones.

“We will call it butterfly effect” thundered M@dR1 once, “A small set of events, would lead to another small set of events… And these events when combined together, will give birth to a chain; a chain of destruction; mass destruction. We will bring the change with the help of this chain”

We have been assigned projects. Projects are nothing but people and their projections.

Koyal Chawla. That’s the name; IT security analyst working in NCL (National chemical Laboratory), Interesting.

I never asked M@dR1 what he wanted from her, but then nobody asked, and those whom I heard asking, disappeared mysteriously.

I Google that name and I find her everywhere. Facebook, Twitter, Linkedin. Hacking her was easy.

Her email id was all over the world and password, well, it was an easy one to guess. Sometimes, you don’t need any tools or any codes, algorithms, you just need some social engineering skills and you have it.

Gmail has given us a best way to hack people by introducing “Forgot my password” link.

Her security question “what is my dog’s name?” 

A quick stalking of her Instagram account and her dog’s name was shouting to me, calling to me “Cookie, cookie, cookie” 

Once in her Gmail account, rests of the things were easy, people connect their accounts everywhere and to everything.

But there is a limitation when it comes to virtual world hacks; it only gives you the information people want you to pursue. We needed more; we needed her retina scan and her finger prints.

I held in my hand a 200 page document containing every details of Koyal Chawla, where she lives, where her parents live, what are her office timings, what are her walk timings, what’s her favorite food, hell even who is her favorite Game of Thrones character.

But all this information counts to nothing, you can basically hack people for fun, their data, their routine, even their vehicle, but you cannot exploit the things which are hidden deep inside, you cannot exploit their darkest secrets their deepest vulnerabilities , you cannot recreate their physical appearance.

I possessed data which will help in getting what we wanted though, and I knew just a guy who would help us in getting what we wanted.

S@M Speaks..

I look at her, swirling her coffee with a spoon.

I watch her as she takes a sip of it and how it leaves a little of froth on her upper lip.

And just at that moment our eyes meet as she watches a sly grin forming on my face.

She raises her eye brow questioningly, and the next thing I know, I am wiping off the froth from her upper lip 

with my thumb, the touch of her luscious lip giving me goose bumps. 

Two months; people say that’s all it takes for you to fall in love with someone. It took me just 2 meetings in 2 days to know I was in love with her. Truly, madly, deeply.

Today, its 2 months since we met, and every day, every hour I have spent thinking about her.

I spot her exquisite smile no sooner I am done wiping the froth off.  “Sorry” she says and grins cutely.

I see a dimple forming on her right cheek, and I swear to god, I want to be miniature and jump and drown in that dimple; stay there forever. 

Today, we are on our second date, and I am not speaking anything, just watching her, observing her, letting things unfold the way they want to be, lest I am afraid, I will speak the truth, truth which will have consequences, consequences which will lead to departure, departure of her , I cannot withstand.

I remember our first meeting, in a gym. I joined only for her. John had enrolled me, had got my schedule fixed. The first time I saw her, she was doing abs, not that she needed any exercise, her stomach was flat like a plateau. How I knew her? Well, just because John knew her.

The first time she saw me, I was staring at her, trying to fixate my hands on whatever dumb bells I could find. Not to mention I got my hand on 3 pound pink dumb bells and became a laughing stock when trainer asked me what the hell I was doing? That was how we first met.

She smirked; smirking wasn’t really her forte, her angelic face was made to smile all the time, like all the time.

Over the period of 1 week, we became closer, I enrolled for her yoga batch, she was an assistant trainer.

And since the main trainer was out for few weeks, she was taking classes, the twist and turns I did for her, I don’t want to remember.

She was a goddess when it came to maintaining her body, that was such a turn on- a girl taking proper care of her body and maintaining her fitness, I was never into it, but one session she gave a tremendous talks on benefits of it all, after that she raised an eyebrow at me, needless to say she had me at her raised eyebrow.

But the “data” which I had of her favorite songs, her favorite books was pretty much helpful, as it got our conversations going.

She was a fitness freak, I was a sloth, but within 1 month I was at least presentably fit. I got my courage 2 weeks back and asked her out for coffee, an offer which she couldn’t refuse, since then, we are pretty much in-separable. Its only our second date but the phone calls, text messages are in plenty. I haven’t told her that 

 I love her, I cannot tell her that, I cannot admit my feelings, it’s a lie, it’s a trap, that’s what it is, it’s a mission, it’s a project, that’s what it is, my mind keeps telling me, John is pressurizing me to get the data he needs , a finger print will be too easy to get, retina scan, can be done, using the customized camera which he has given me, but somehow , I don’t want to do it, somehow I want to delay everything, somehow I want to be with her, somehow.

The thought of coming clean with her has appeared in my mind often, but I am afraid she is going to get hurt, afraid, she is going to walk away from me, afraid of sabotaging the whole project of John, which apparently is his ambitious and biggest project yet, he is upto something, they are upto something, trying to build up someone’s finger print and retina, someone who works at NCL, there is obviously something fishy, definitely.

But today is not the day to think of all this, who knows what I might do tomorrow, today it’s all about her. 

 “Why are you so quite today?” she asks me. “What are you thinking?” she further questions and I have absolutely nothing to say.

“I am thinking how beautiful you are” I lie, or maybe that’s the truth. She blushes and that dimple is out again, seriously, if I could I could just swim in it for like forever;

It’s getting late, it’s getting dark; our small talks are getting longer. That’s what love does to you, you start a small conversation and you end up creating a thesis of your own, a thesis which only two of you understand, an essay written only for two people in love. The inner jokes, become apparent and frequent, and suddenly you realize, somewhere in that conversation, you would want to spend your rest of the life.  

After tonight’s gym session, she has called me over to her place. This is the opportunity, I need to confide in her, I need to tell her the truth. John can curse me how much ever he wants, I will run away from him, I will take her with me, two of us will get away from this place and build our house together on some Himalayan hill station, she will paint, I will write, she will cook , I will buy the groceries. Fairytales, do exist, we will make it come true, I will tell her everything.

Few hours gone, and I am sitting in her balcony, feeling the cool breeze.

She gets me a coffee “hey stud, you seem off today.. never been to any girl’s appartment before?” she mocks me.

“Nervous?” she winks.

“Don’t worry, I didn’t call you for any action..” she mocks me further and we both are blushing. She has no idea what is in my mind.

I take the coffee mug from her hand and keep both the mugs down, holding her face, I make her sit down not taking my eyes off her for a second.

“Do you really think, I was nervous because of you and I being alone and to what physical potential this moment possess?”

“I don’t know, a girl calling you over at her place in the night, most boys would have thought the same” she says rolling her eyes.

“But I just called you for a company; I needed to spend time with you before I get my transfer to Delhi”

She was leaving, in two days, and I had to act soon.

“Honestly, been there done that. But with you, it seems all so different, you are the kind of person I want to spend nights watching stars twinkle” I pointed towards the sky and that exact moment a brightest star twinkled. She smiled. 

“That is not why I am nervous” 

“Then tell me, what’s wrong”  She held my hand and at that moment I should have been stronger, but it made me weak, it made me stutter, If I could only hold this hand a little longer.. If only.

Before there was her, before there was me,

Before there was sky, and the stars that seemed to be,

Before we kiss, before we make out, before we have a steamy hot sex.

Before we crumble, before we topple, before we have a night full of fight..

Before, I tell you the truth, before you feel betrayed,

O’ hear me out, hear me out for once,

There is always a moment before everything, and that moment is in the “before”

An uncertainty factor, prior to a certain outcome..

Before the betrayal, there we had a moment of truth and truce.

I could have told her, I should have told her , but I didn’t, I took the customized phone and took her selfie instead, focusing solely on her eyes.

Retina scan matched!!

The coffee which she made for me remained cold, I should have lifted that cup and drank from it; I used my finger print lifting tape instead.

 Finger print matched!!

And now I am walking in this thunderous rain. I don’t want to be a part of it, I never wanted to be a part of anything other than hers, but the moment has passed, before I could act… John in me has acted.