You are not on your own, I am with you - My alter ego

Having an alter ego, is quite motivating at times.

I let out a long sigh “Hmm, So in this also, I am on my own” I smiled meekly. The air of sadness surrounded me; the slow beating of my heart didn’t help. Walking up to the mirror, I saw my gloomy face. Tears welled up in my eyes, but they were never going to come out. I never cry.

I took a heavy breath and let it all out “So, in this also, I am on my own…. Fine” I whispered and stretched my face muscles while continuing to stare at myself in the mirror. Sleep eyed, I walked back and crashed in my bed.

There were messages, “Expectations”, I called, She ranted. She was never going to understand me after all. Her words hurt me even more. “I will remember this, bye” I cut the call.

Social media is such a bitch anyway. It only made me more depressed.

I commented on the picture of the girl I hate the most, “Why the fuck would you do that?” A valid question, I did. But didn’t bother thinking about it.

“We need to prepare for certifications, exam due soon” There was a message which I couldn’t ignore.

“We need to gear up for the projects” A message from office colleague.

“We are still working on the dates; book is ready, but owing to bad market we may need few more weeks” A blunt reply from the publisher. 

It all somehow bothered me. I understood their concerns; I realized the importance of time and wait and shuffling of everything that was around me. I counted everything on my fingers, 5 things to do, 5 pending things and I have got only 1 month? Will anyone understand my state? Will anyone care? Will anyone really give a damn?  

Round and round, everything spinning around me? Everything so near to me yet so far, all things cyclic, a perpetual dilemma set in a circular motion. Round and Round.

I woke up and walked to the mirror again. Turned on the tap and splashed water on my face.  When I looked at the mirror, I saw him. He was there, like he always have been, ever so determined; ever so focused.

My alter Ego.

He spoke to me. “What did you tell your friend when she asked ‘how do you get yourself to write’ “?

“I told her I set myself goals, unrealistic goals. I may not be a better writer, but I make sure I lure myself into writing which leads to a moderately successful output” I replied sheepishly.

“What did you do when nobody wanted to watch POKHRAN on Saturday night?”

“I said fuck the world, I went alone for the late night show, and boy, I did enjoy the movie, wise decision” I smiled.

“Why did you do it?”

“Because, I had set myself a target of continuing to write the second book in series, and needed an inspiration from the movie plot”

My alter ego kept questioning and I kept answering and with every answer I gave, I felt surprisingly lighter.

“So, this month, you are going to focus on tasks in hand and not worry about things which are not in your control” He whispered and I nodded.

“Are you continuing the hacker series or writing “bitches and beaches”? Another question from him made me chuckle.

“Bitches and beaches can wait, I will definitely enjoy shredding those bitches to pieces and letting the world know about their stories, but the second book in hacker series need to be ready first” My sadness had disappeared, my alter ego had gulped it down so easily.

“Do what you feel like. You have always set goals and lured yourself in those goals with expectations not everyone would understand, but fulfilling these expectations make you happy. The normal living doesn’t suit you. You set goals, you chase them, that gives you bliss. Timing of success is a concern and it is coming and it’s going to come soon. But you always set yourself for higher goals and aims and strive towards them. What is success after all but a journey of constant thriving and being better?  Those who do not understand you, do not belong with you. Those who do, always find a reason to stay and support you. You will make mistakes eventually, but you have earned the right to do so, and you have every right to do it. It’s your life, It’s your fucking life, Live it for you, live it for now. And yes, in “This” also, you are on your own, and you will do it……I will do it”

I splash some more water on my face and look back at the mirror again. There is no mirror, there is no alter ego. There is me and there is now. This is the moment. And I swear to god, I am going to seize it.